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MOVIEW REVIEW: Twilight (more like Twatlight) by accordingtoalanna

DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK!

November 22, 2008 @ 12:34PM

I was introduced to Twilight earlier this year when the movie began filming and the psychotic Twilight moms began stalking the set on a daily basis with their infants and toddlers fully in tow. I had absolutely no idea what the book series was about, nor did I really care; I was just amused by the fan base the film was attracting: Housewives and Fat chicks. And not just ANY housewives and fat chicks, but FUCKING CRAZY housewives and fat chicks! The kind of crazies that read fantasy novels and write slash fiction on LiveJournal. The kind that live vicariously through fictional characters that embody perfection and everything that their husbands (or lack thereof) do not possess. The kind that devour anything with a fluffy soft-core premise that provokes absolutely no thought or profundity, because THAT is the kind of shit that gives them a small inkling of hope for simplicity, happiness, weight-loss and a cure for that pesky drinking problem that began when little Jimmy was born… And that hope lied in Twilight (which I was later informed was like a 9th grade level Anne Rice novel).

Slowly but surely, the book series began to spread like wildfire (even beyond the original demographic), and I found myself with a bunch of friends (neither fat, moms or crazy) who had jumped on the bandwagon as well. These said friends even gave me the first two books in hopes of converting me into one of them. I was hesitant at first, but decided to cave in and give this human/vampire love story a chance. I mean, after all, something with this much craze must be brilliant, right?

Well, after reading book 1, it not only reconfirmed that there will always be trash that will be praised no matter how unsubstantial it is, but I realized that I wasn’t like the Twilight fatties at all; I actually preferred to eat fluff rather than read it! I kept turning each page waiting to feast on some depth, but by the time I forcefully turned to the last page, I found myself still hungry, but reluctant for seconds.

I was disappointed in myself for not loving this book and knew that in result, my friends would probably disown me. But luckily, there was still a chance – the movie had a lot of buzz, which gave me some anticipation and a little bit of extra time to savor the memory of what it’s like to actually have friends. Despite the shitty trailers and questionable casting, I was PUMPED! I mean, after all, something with this much craze must be brilliant, right? RIGHT?!

Wrong. Oh, so, so, so very wrong…

November 22, 2008 @ 4:56PM

It is actually taking me all day to write this damn Twilight movie review. I originally got distracted by Newsies, which was playing on Showtime (I forgot just how good Christian Bale was in this movie), but then when I mustered enough energy to turn the TV off to begin my writing, I didn’t even know where to start. Usually when I am heated about something, the words spill out in one sitting, but this time I was experiencing something beyond writer’s block… This time, it was second-hand embarrassment.

I began to pity everyone involved with the production of the movie, including the lovely people who catered on the set and the poor PA’s who took the gig thinking this would be their ticket to Hollywood. I especially began feeling awful for the tens upon thousands of fans who gathered in the freezing cold Thursday night – dressed to the nines with their “Team Edward Cullen” get-up – in order to get prime seating at the midnight showing, because they had absolutely no idea that their beloved Twilight was turned into a glorified after school special.

Hold that thought; I have to go out for dinner. BBL.

twilight--movie-posterNovember 22, 2008 @ 10:05PM

While sitting at Applebee’s and munching on my mozzarella sticks (they were quite delish, thanks for asking), the thought of writing this review kept lingering in the back of my mind and I knew I just had to get it over with in one sitting when I got home… So without any further distractions, here it is:

The Acting
Kristen Stewart looked like she was about to either fall asleep in every scene or have an asthma attack with the heavy breathing she kept doing. Her portrayal of Bella lacked the awkwardness and sense of humor that I actually kind of liked about her in the book, and the delivery of the very few jokes she did have was monotone, to say the least. It was like watching a poor imitation of MTV’s Daria.

Robert Pattinson hurried through many lines (like the cafeteria scene by the salad bar) and delivered the rest like a stoned James Dean. The charming Edward Cullen from the book was not present at all in the movie. The only thing Pattinson delivered with was his devilishly cute grin… oh, and his overall hotness. I guess all of the females on the set were too busy swooning to pay attention to how stiff his performance was (that’s what she said). In other words, he did not dazzle me as much as I thought he would.

The acting was wooden and unemotional. I felt little to no chemistry between the two actors. It was as if they were just reciting their lines so they could get paid and move on to an indie flick to gain some street cred.

The Script
Screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg combined many scenes and even added new ones to the mix, but she forgot the most essential piece of the story: THE POINT! Even though there is very little character development in the book, I slightly understood why Bella and Edward were so enamored by one another, however in the movie, the die-hard love was so sudden that it was tough to understand where the worship came from and WHY Bella HAD to stay with Edward. Rossenberg clearly wrote this script with only the people who read the book in mind, which is a big no-no for theatrical releases. But hey, this woman also wrote several episodes of The O.C., so I shouldn’t have expected a Gone With The Wind from her.

Also, can I just add that if one of Bella’s reasoning’s for Edwards’ vampire-esque behavior is because he talks like he’s from another time, then why exactly would you have Edward reference GOOGLE in an earlier scene? Not every vampire can be as timely as Count Dracula!

The Direction
Catherine Hardwicke is a nutjob. She needs to realize that not every movie is going to look cool with a shaky camera and extreme close-ups. Almost every scene consisted of a moment of silence while the camera zoomed slowly on the characters’ faces, which was meant to imply their desire for each other, but instead looked more like the beginning of a sex scene in a porno (sans the “bow chicka bow wow” music, although the music playing during those scenes wasn’t any better).

Hardwicke also took it upon herself to create the most heinous flashback scenes I have ever seen. They were sepia-colored, skewed and just really cheesy attempts at trying to be serious business. It was all so corny and ridiculous that I missed the dialogue because I couldn’t stop laughing. She also inserted several montages that were neither here nor there. My favorite ‘flashback’ was probably the one that consisted of Bella and a guyliner-wearing Edward dressed in Victorian outfits while staring seductively into space. This was shown while Bella was researching vampires online. Was it supposed to be Bella’s imagination or just a random montage thrown in for dramatic affect? Even if it was either of the two, it still failed to be necessary. If you’re going to have a flashback of Bella and Edward in a specific era while Bella is reading about all of the various worldly Vampire myths, why not flash through several periods of time rather than focus on the one that is the most cliché? Uh-huh, Hardwicke, think about that while you cackle all the way to the bank.

The Other Stuff That Really Bugged Me
white_chicks -I don’t care how great of an actress Nikki Reed is, she should not have been Rosalie. There was no way you could successfully turn a chick with very dark features into a pale blonde bombshell. With the caked-on powder, Reed looked more like one of the Wayans brothers in White Chicks than the most beautiful girl in the world. (Don’t even get me started on how ridiculous Jasper looked and acted.)

-I’m all about diversity, but when you have a token Asian and African-American in a movie that is supposed to take place in a bumblefuck town with a population of 3,000, it’s really hard for me to see the difference between Forks and Phoenix, where Bella is originally from. I also spotted a goth playing a waitress in the movie! Hey Forks, New York City called, they want their residents back.

-Now, Bella is supposed to be a very dry-humored character whose jokes often got brushed to the side and misunderstood by her fellow classmates, but Justin Chon, who played Eric and the token Asian, stole her thunder! He was obnoxiously funny, but boy was he quite the comic relief! I was waiting for him to look into the camera and tell us that the he’ll be here all week and to try the veal.

I will end my blotchy review with one last peeve: the Score. It reminded me of the generic and dramatic guitar-induced music that you’d often hear on shows like Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place. And this brings me to my final thought…

Twilight felt like a made-for-basic-cable-TV movie. The entire vibe was cheesy, wooden and insignificant. After watching the movie, I now have a newfound appreciation for the actual book (but don’t get your panties all twisted, I still am not a fan). It’s a shame this movie was made by a predominantly female crew, because these broads give aspiring filmmakers like myself a bad rep.

November 22, 2008 @ 10:49PM

…and there go most of my friends.



MOVIE REVIEW: August Rush by accordingtoalanna

Oh God, it’s Sunday evening and instead of writing my highly anticipated review of High School Musical 3 (have no fear, it’ll come by the end of the night — that’s what Zac Efron saidOOOH SNAP), I find myself channel surfing to no avail. I stumbled upon August Rush on one of those family HBO channels and even though I kept attempting to avert my attention to something else on TV, I just couldn’t stop watching this train wreck knowing very well that only a few months ago I put myself through this torture already.  So, while I gain enough momentum to conjure a review of HSM3, here is an oldie but goodie movie review of August Rush

August Rush is about an orphan prodigy named Evan (Freddie Highmore) who is the spawn of two musically inclined love birds. Lyla (Kerri Russel) is a renowned concert cellist and Louis (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) is an Irish-import lead singer of a rock band. Both meet for the very first time at a party overlooking Washington Square Park when Lyla goes outside on the balcony to catch a breath of fresh air and Louis is already outside listening to the echoed sound of a harmonica playing in the park. The two engage in small-talk, which could not have possibly exceeded more than five minutes, and before we know it, they whisk each other off their feet. Whether it was Louis’ puffy pillow lips or seducing Irish accent, or Lyla’s innocent demeanor, the two engage in sexual relations on said balcony, which happens to be attached to an apartment that is currently hosting a big classy party. Wow, I never knew a balcony was such an aphrodisiac!

And of course, as anyone who has had a one-night love-fest with a very seductive Irishman knows, no matter how many contraceptives you use, the super Irish semen will still find a way to impregnate you. So, pregnant and in love, Lyla opts to keep the baby, but an accident sends her to the hospital where she prematurely has the baby while unconscious. Her father tells her the baby has died, but instead gives the poor kid up for adoption before his daughter is awoken. Oh, and somewhere in between the love affair and the accident, the sexy Irishman leaves New York City to tour with his band. I think.

Fast forward to eleven years later, and the offspring, Evan, is in an orphanage seeking a way to leave in order to find his parents that he swears he can “hear.” After meeting a social worker (Terrence Howard) who visits from New York, Evan flees to New York City without a penny to his name. How he figured his parents would be in New York City is beyond me, but he arrives to Manhattan and begins to follow the music in his head.

He manages to find Washington Square Park where he was conceived (although he doesn’t know it), and befriends a feisty young busker who plays guitar in the park and gives his earnings to a crazy guy named Wizard (Robbin Williams) in exchange for food and shelter. Basically, Wizard is like Fagin (of Oliver Twist), and from what I gather, August Rush is supposed to be a modern-day play on the Oliver Twist tale… I think.

To get to the point without giving too much away (although, there is not much to give away if you have any inkling of common sense), Wizard discovers that Evan is a musical prodigy and sends the kid off to the park to play guitar under the stage name “August Rush” (hence the title of the movie. Ooooh… Ahhhh…), all while the social worker is on a prowl to find him. And then somewhere in between Evan running away from Wizard, and the sexy Irishman, Louis, becoming a bigwig sell out who returns to New York City to look for Lyla after more than a decade being MIA (why now, buddy?), Lyla finds out that her son is actually alive and begins to look for him.

So, let’s recap: August is searching for his parents, the social working is searching for August, Lyla is also searching for August, and the sexy Irishman is searching for Lyla.

In the midst of this search fiasco, Evan discovers that he can miraculously read music and write Juilliard-worthy compositions after quickly being taught a silly mnemonic from a seven-year-old. There is no denying that Evan is a prodigy (the boy picked up guitar in 0.5 seconds without any former training), but even if you’re Jimi Hendrix and Mozart rolled into one, it does not mean that you can teach yourself how to read music notes without a single tutorial handbook insight! It’s like quickly reciting the alphabet to someone who is illiterate in a language that they can only speak, and expect them to know how to read and write after that… Oh wait a second, I almost forgot that August Rush is a fairy tale. Phew!

Although August Rush is completely unrealistic, I didn’t expect much from a movie that was clearly advertised as a fairy tale. There are fantastic scenes that show just how powerful the role of music plays in the movie, which for the A.D.D. generation might have lagged. My favorite of those were the intertwining scenes of Lyla playing cello at a Lincoln Center-esque hall and Louis rocking out at an underground venue; these two different sounds blended together to form a whole new sound that was so oxymoronic it was actually pretty damn good. This made me realize that the only character that I actually cared about in August Rush was the actual music; everyone else was so melodramatic that anything they did or say was mediocre, to say the least.

Since music plays the ultimate role as the compass in August Rush, everyone “follows the music” until they find each other in the end. Blah Blah Blah, let’s kiss, marvel at the boy wonder, play some more music, shed a few tears, and live happily ever after.

I recommend this movie to the demographic that August Rush is targeting: children under the age of 15, adults over the age of 65 (preferably female), pregnant females who are hormonal and awe at the sight of anything sweet, chicks who like cheesy movies, and all of you Jonathan Rhys Meyers fans who have been waiting patiently for something new from the sexy Irishman.



MOVIE REVIEW: Not Another Cinderella Story by kanev
October 1, 2008, 3:01 pm
Filed under: Movies, Popculture | Tags: , , , ,

Home sick on a Friday night with nothing but a box of tissues and a bowl of soup is a recipe for disaster. That was me on Friday night, and I could smell trouble brewing as I finished watching “Sex and the City: the Movie” and “Forgetting Sarah Marshall: the Unrated Version.” There was only one new movie left on my pile of movies that my boyfriend had so kindly rented for me (that’s right, we still rent from video stores. Haters, you know which way to head.) Well, I was so bed ridden, bored and lonely that I popped the DVD in the player. With that being said, I now painfully and regretfully bring you my review of “Another Cinderella Story.”

The first question I had to ask myself is why are we making another one of these? Wasn’t the Hilary Duff/Chad Michael Murray one enough? It wasn’t exactly box office gold and it didn’t exactly soar in DVD sales. We didn’t need another one. And how old is Drew Seeley? Homeboy looks a bit old to play a high school prince charming. He’s certainly handsome enough to be prince charming, but a high school version? If Zac Efron is out of your price range, can’t we at least get Corbin Bleu?

The story starts to follow the classic tale. Step-sisters, step-mother, slave to family, dreams of going to the ball… yadda yadda yadda. Then after the ball, when the prince finds his princess, there’s an addition to the story. Cinderella is then set up to find Prince Charming cheating on her with one of the bullies at school. Wait, that never happened in the original. Why are we dealing with that now? Why mangle a classic with a random story line that doesn’t fit? After dealing with that minor brain-fart, a dance off ensues and our beloved Cinderella lives happily ever after and Warner Brothers now owes me 90 minutes of my life back.

The attempts to make this classic modern are also extremely nauseating. Instead of a pumpkin turning into a chariot, Cinderella’s bff drives an old orange van named pumpkin. Instead of leaving her glass slipper behind, Cinderella leaves her Zune behind (couldn’t get the rights to use an IPod?) And instead of having to try on a glass slipper, girls have to guess the Zune’s most played songs. If only I had guessed Pon de Replay, I too, could have been the one with Drew Seeley. *Sigh*

The one diamond in the rough of this movie is Selena Gomez. While her acting is just ok, and her singing is mediocre at best, she does possess a certain charm about her. She has that ability to make you like her, despite the fact that she is in the worst remake of Cinderella ever and that she has no characteristics of a traditional Cinderella. Instead of being meek and easy to walk all over, she is sassy and sneaky. Instead of being tall, blonde and blue-eyed; she is average height, black hair and brown-eyed. There’s no denying that she’s a beautiful girl, but her personality makes her relatable to young girls. She actually seems like a normal girl who just happened to get lucky. Maybe art does imitate life.

If you’re reading this website, this movie is not for you. However, if you have a 10 year old little sister/daughter/etc, it is for them. Don’t get yourself into the situation I found myself in. Join Netflix and order yourself the Disney Animated version. And take your vitamins; nobody wants to be sick on a Friday night.



MOVIE REVIEW: Nights In Rodanthe by ashlified
September 29, 2008, 11:22 pm
Filed under: Movies | Tags: , , , , ,

Nights in Rodanthe

On Friday night my team and I decided to go see Nights In Rodanthe. Actually, I decided I wanted to go see it and invited my team members to join. The movie hasn’t gotten many positive reviews but I didn’t give a fuck, I mean has anyone seen Unfaithful?! I realize these are two completely movies but I cannot deny the chemistry and awesomeness of Diane Lane and Richard Gere together again.

The theater was half full, and I guess half of that was our team walking in 15 deep. The rest of the theater was old grannies with their husbands looking for another The Notebook, I’m guessing. This movie will not recieve the acclaim and the status of “OMG I WANT TO CRY PUT IN THE NOTEBOOK” or “OMG RYAN GOSLING PUT IN THE NOTEBOOK.” People my age don’t usually yell about Richard Gere, unless we’re watching TBS and Pretty Woman comes on for the zillionth time.

The story is that of two 40-somethings who are at a point in their lives where they are about to give up on love and life in general. Adrienne, played by Diane Lane, is a single mother of two who promises to tend to a beach side inn owned by her best friend. While she is away for the weekend, her philandering husband (Christopher Meloni – RAWR) takes her kids to Disney World but before he leaves he tells her that he wants to come back home. She is left to mull this decision while she stays at the inn. Paul (Richard Gere) is a famous doctor who loses a patient during a simple surgery and is being sued by the family. He travels to speak with the family and stays a few nights at the inn. Also mixed into the story is Paul’s son Mark, who is played in an uncredited role by the wonderful James Franco. Paul and Mark’s relationship has hit rock bottom and Paul is planning on traveling to South America to visit his son’s clinic.

Before I go on, I must say the scenery is lovely in this film. The beaches, the lighting, all that good stuff. Now the INN. For those who have seen the commercials, THIS SHIT IS RIGHT ON THE BEACH. The waves are literally crashing at the foot of this place and I am just waiting throughout the movie for it to wash away. And these two people stay there. During hurricane season. Make of this what you will.

Anyway, the hurricanes hits and as one can easily predict, the two connect. The rest of the story follows a series of letters the two write each other as they prepare to meet each other again.

I read the book by Nicholas Sparks and the movie tweaks a lot in the screenplay. There are not major changes, but it might annoy you if you have read the book before.

Overall, this movie isn’t anything special but what it does do is create a storyline that we don’t see often – and that’s a romantic movie that shows that people over 40 do have a life after middle age. I’m sorry, I love these two actors. And I am a sap for EVERYTHING Nicholas Sparks. I guess if you just need a good cry or want to look at two attractive people on screen, then this is for you!



MOVIE REVIEW: Forgetting Sarah Marshall by accordingtoalanna

It has become almost a tradition that as soon as the weather gets warm and the flowers begin to blossom, the frat pack would release a movie of truly perverse and epic proportions. In 2003, we were introduced to the original frat pack with the April release of Old School, and five years and a few new inductees later, Jason Segel (with the producing help of fraternity honcho, Judd Apatow) brought us, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Now the movie is a day away from being released on DVD (in blu-ray too… ZOMG!), so I come bearing a movie review…

Peter Bretter (Segel) is in the slumps after his television star girlfriend, Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell), breaks up with him in the most awkward and nudist of ways (let’s just say, after this scene, you will know exactly what religion Segel is). With the help of his quirky step-brother, he decides to take a lonesome trip to Hawaii to take his mind off of Sarah (hence the title). However, as luck would have it, Sarah and her newest squeeze, British rock star and self-proclaimed playboy, Aldous Snow (played by Russell Brand, who in my opinion, steals every scene that he is in), are staying at the same hotel. Instead of running away, Peter decides to stick it out and make the most of his makeshift trip. With the help of front-desk receptionist, Rachael (Mila Kunis), Peter befriends an array of characters that bring even more comic relief to the film — including some excellent cameos– which eventually becomes just the help that he needs to destroy his memory of Sarah Marshall.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is laugh-out-loud funny, but that is to be expected, since it is written by Freaks and Geeks alum, Jason Segel (think Seth Rogan only taller and more charming). The premise may sound silly, and at the same time slightly stupid (you might be asking yourself, “Why would he want to go on vacation alone?”/”Why doesn’t he just find another hotel?”), but what is a frat pack movie without silly and stupid?

The only suggestion I have for those who enjoy nitpicking at movies with little to no substance is to just not analyze anything about it! Yes, there are scenes that completely contradict each other, and characters that are not fully developed, but the point of Forgetting Sarah Marshall isn’t to bring the audience an Oscar-worthy cinematic masterpiece (no offense, Jason), but to bring genuine laughter to the home front instead.

This is a great date movie when you’re feeling too cheap and lazy to go out and want easy access to your room in case the sex scenes excite your partner, and an even better remedy for those whose summer happiness is a few degrees away from becoming completely nonexistent for the rest of the year. So I suggest you start switching the order in which your movies on netflix are in, because you will definitely want to make room for Forgetting Sarah Marshall. (The complete third season of the Partridge Family can wait, trust me.)

For more of Alanna’s movie reviews, please visit www.accordingtoalanna.com



MOVIE REVIEW: Juno by accordingtoalanna
September 25, 2008, 6:39 pm
Filed under: Movies | Tags: , , , , , ,

It was coined the Little Miss Sunshine of the year, but oh, how I disagree.

Juno, a movie about a quirky pregnant teen who decides to go along with her pregnancy to give the gift of life to an infertile married couple, sounds promising enough, but if you split open the hype and brush away the fangirls, you’re left with something that could very well pass for yet another overrated independent film (see: Lost in Translation).

I thought I was going to love this movie to no end (I mean, it stars an array of great actors and was one of the most highly anticipated movies of 2007), but in the first scene when Rainn Wilson (playing a random store clerk) opens his mouth spewing cheesy quick-witted one liners about Juno’s obvious pregnancy (“This is one doodle that can’t be un-did, homeskillet.”), I began to worry – Is this movie going to be a 2-hour long episode of The Gilmore Girls where everything said involves a million puns and no breathers? Yes dear Alanna, just like Michael Cera in this movie, you’ve nailed it. (how’s that for a pun?)

I was content with the simplistic, yet creative storyline; it was definitely a very feel-good movie that, shoot, even made me want to be a teenager all over again so that I could possibly get impregnated and give the baby up to a sterile couple. I even loved most of the characters. In fact, the movie was one character short of perfection; the awkwardly sweet (and very typecast) Michael Cera, the lovable Jennifer Garner, and the funny Jason Bateman are welcome to come hang with me any day, but the one character that I couldn’t stand the sight of (or rather, the sound of) was the one the entire movie was revolved around: Ellen Page as Juno, or Juno as Ellen Page (let’s face it, the only acting Page did was pretend she was a pregnant 16-year-old, other than that she was just playing herself).

Forget about realistic pausing and stuttering, Juno is a pro at coming up with sarcastically inane jokes at the blink of an eye, which consisted of a slew of perfect rhymes (“fertile myrtle”) and kooky words/phrases that takes an average Joe a few seconds to comprehend (“I am for shizz up the spout”). Upright Citizens Brigade, watch out; Juno is the ultimate improv queen! Alas, she is also incredibly annoying, which resulted in me wanting to shut her “freakin’ gob” more so than try to actually understand what she is trying to say.

I felt as if Juno’s dialogue was too contrived with dialect that even a too-cool-for-school 16-year-old would never blurt out in real life (unless they were aspiring stand-up comedians). I understand that Juno is supposed to be reminiscent of a timely cartoon character that has an individual shtick and look, but just like a funny joke that quickly loses its charm after the millionth time reciting it, Juno’s language became overkill.

At one point in the movie, where Juno meets her future baby’s parents for the very first time, she walks into their home and instead of saying a well-mannered “hello,” homegirl decides to put on a snarky comedy act. Okay, we get it, she’s a wallflower who overcompensates by trying too hard to be pretentious and quirky, but must we be reminded of this in every scene?

The one thing Juno adores most about her baby-daddy, Bleaker (Cera), is that he is “so cool and doesn’t even try,” but when she points that out to him, Cera looks at her with those infectious puppy-dog eyes and says, “Actually, I try really hard.” – That was probably my favorite scene, because besides being incredibly endearing, it showed me that although Juno tried so hard to emulate complete and utter coolness through-out the entire movie, she really had absolutely no idea what cool is.

Even though Juno’s cold exterior warmed up toward the end, it was hard for me to warm up to her, because after sitting through such obnoxious brattiness for an hour and a half, I just couldn’t muster enough care to give two shits about her struggle to find herself.

Contrary to my liking only 80% of this movie (the other 20% down the drain thanks to Diablo Cody’s poor proverbial attempts at channeling a “real life” 16-year-old), I do recommend Juno to all of the existing hipsters in the world, and anyone else who want to sit back and enjoy something without having to think too much, or laugh too hard. Just like Little Miss Sunshine, it is a heartfelt movie, but the new Little Miss Sunshine it definitely is not.

For more of Alanna’s movie reviews, please visit www.accordingtoalanna.com




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