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accordingtoalannaFiled under: Popculture, Television | Tags: Ashlee Simpson, Melrose Place
When I was 10 years old I used to sneak into my parent’s bedroom every Monday night at 10 pm and watch “Melrose Place.” My mom didn’t want me watching it for every reason that I wanted to watch it: sex, liars, hot older men and adultery galore. Back when I was 10 years old, the original cast did not include Sydney, Kimberly, or Amanda and Michael Mancini was a good husband. By the time I was 12 half of those people had faked their own deaths and had all slept with Michael. So when 17 years later the CW announces that they are bringing back “Melrose Place” I have to watch, right?
So many questions filled my head. Will there still be a sassy opening that lists the cast in alphabetical order? Will the music get rougher when the bad boy comes on like it did for the brooding Grant Show? Will some one capture my heart the way Billy (Andrew Shu) once did? Will the first episode feature a ridiculous amount of the song “Keep on Walkin” by Cece Peniston (anyone remember season 1 cast member Rhonda using the song in her aerobics class every week?) And finally I asked myself… really CW? Ashlee Simpson?? Really???
Oh you heard me correctly. Former blonde/brunette and permanent shadow stander, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz (or is it Wentz-Simpson?) stars as Violet, a sweet and innocent newcomer to Melrose Place. After a couple of minutes of her looking like she’s trying to remember her lines and staring into the camera, it becomes clear that this is no Courtney Thorn-Smith (pre- “According to Jim” of course.) Luckily, Ashlee doesn’t get camera time until the other cast members establish their roles, which is actually good because she seems to mess up the flow of every scene she’s in. And if you think I’m just being hard on her because she’s the only one with some fame pre-Melrose then you’re right. I want to see her flex the acting chops she flexed when she was a judge on “Say-What Karaoke.” I know you got it in you girl!
After a few episodes, I began to feel that the couple of Riley and Jonah (played by Jessica Lucas and Michael Rady) are a cross between the original Jane and Michael and Allison and Billy. Jonah is reminiscent of Billy in both personality and physical similarities, but is loyal the way Michael was in season 1. Jessica is relationship-phobic the way Allison once was and pretty the way Jane always was (even though they do not look alike at all, they are both beautiful girls.) I think Ella (played by Katie Cassidy) is supposed to be a weak attempt at creating an Amanda-esk character. Career oriented and a blonde bombshell but Heather Locklear, she is not. Instead, Ella comes off as annoying, demanding and slightly pathetic. There are a few worthless characters like Lauren Yung (a wanna be doctor who whore’s herself out in the first episode… literally) and Auggie Kirkpatrick (a recovering alcoholic turned chef) but there is a character with a slight twist and that is David Breck (played by Shaun Sipos.)
David Breck is a character scorned, he’s no brooding bad boy Jake, don’t misunderstand but he is slightly interesting. He’s angry and scorned by his father, Doctor Michael Mancini… dun dun dun! That’s right folks, the original Michael is back on the show. Michael and David don’t have a great relationship which would be interesting but unfortunately for this show, they don’t have a great story line either. They have both slept with Sydney (yup, THAT Sydney) and now Sydney is dead (AGAIN!) They have anger issues, abandonment issues, money issues- and yet some how it all plays out very dull on TV. I want to be interested in David and Michael’s battle but alas, I am as bored by that story line as I am by Ashlee Simpson’s music career. 
Seventeen years ago Melrose Place was edgy. Things were happening on that show that people had never seen before on television. Television was filled with “Blossom” and “the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” and Melrose brought shock value to prime time. Being sexy and edgy these days is a lot tougher. Sex isn’t taboo anymore and 10 year olds aren’t as easily drawn in. Melrose Place 2009 will have to spice things up and try something new in order to get people’s attention. It will need a super villain like Amanda, a good guy like Billy and a brooding rebel like Jake. As it stands right now, even my 10 year old self would be bored with this new Melrose Place.
Filed under: Popculture, Television | Tags: kristen cavelerri, laguna beach, lauren conrad, mtv, new york, the city, the hills, whitney port
Is it possible that MTV has finally found a show more dramatic than Laguna Beach and more vapid than The Hills? If this question was proposed to me a few months ago, I would have chuckled and flippantly waved my hand and said “oh go on” in my best Zha Zha Gabor voice. Unfortunately, if you ask me now, I would say “Yes. It’s called the City.”
The City is actually a spin-off of The Hills which is a spin-off of Laguna Beach which is a reality version of The O.C. Are you following? It’s a long line of crap we had to go through to get to The City. Never in my life did I think I would long for the days of 8th and Ocean and actually miss Kristen Cavalerri (say it with me now… STEEE-VEN.)
Whitney Port, Lauren Conrad’s former coworker and advice giver at Teen Vogue, has moved to Manhattan and took a job in publicity at Diane Von Furstenburg. Her co-worker is uber-snobby socialite Olive Palermo, and her boyfriend is a lower-eastside transplant from Australia named Jay. Whitney deals with conflicts that every New Yorker deals with… should I hang out with the peeps on the upper east side or the peeps on the lower east side? Should I take the luxury apartment in gramercy or continue to crash in my friend’s great condo in union square? Should I be nice to the girl embarrassing me in front of Manolo Blahnik or shush her? I know as a native New Yorker, I deal with problems like these EVERYDAY.
In all fairness to the producers of this show, they try to recreate similar dramas that have worked for them in the past. There is cheating, lying, betrayal… when you say it like that, it actually sounds good. It’s not. The problem is, these characters are completely unlikable. Whitney used to be the likable cast member on The Hills but as a leading lady, she falters. She seems to be really thinking about her lines, which for a reality show is not a requirement. All of her loyalty to her friends also seems forced… why befriend the past angry boss, the random skinny model AND the trust fund baby? None of these people seem to be a very good friend to you, Whit.
Her boyfriend and his roommate are the least appealing boys to yet appear on any of these faux reality shows. In the past, I never respect for Brody Jenner and Stephen Colletti but they actually were able to be cheaters and manipulate their girlfriends and still come out likable. Adam, Jay’s roommate, is not only a liar and a cheat but it seems like he has a hard time speaking coherently and being covered in pleather at the same time. Should those two things interfere? Should the latter even exist?
As for the reality of the show, well that’s laughable. Everyone knows by now that the term “reality” is used loosely. The scenes look staged, the lines seem rehearsed and the rumor mill has it that Whitney and Olivia don’t even work for DVF, they just come in once a week to film themselves at desks in the office. Some DVF employees have even been complaining that the filming disrupts the normal work flow of the office. SHOCKER.
There is one hidden gem in the show. Snobby Olivia Palermo has nothing on her hilarious super snobby cousin, Nevin. Nevin is an evil villain who at one time had a 9-5 job and his rent paid, but now crashes on Olivia’s couch (even after he previously trashed her apartment.) He spends his time stroking his small dog, judging guys on the lower east side who wear fedoras and can’t help but sport ugly shoes that are “super comf!” While he seems to have no malicious intent on the show, he does seem like the character I would vote “most likely to stroke his pet with just his ring finger and do a muah-ha-ha laugh.”
I have a strong tolerance/love for awful reality shows. If the characters are likable enough, smart enough or even just relatable, you can enjoy the show. These characters have none of these traits. The portrayal of New York City and how a young person in the city act is laughable at best and MTV should hire better writers if they are going create a faux-reality show. At the risk of sounding like every other critic of MTV, go back to music videos and stop shoving a camera up these young people’s asses. They already have a silver spoon there.
I really don’t know what’s funnier: Josephine, an angry grandma who keeps yelling obscenities while trying to find her bottle of whiskey from last night, her grandson who is behind the camera instigating like the sassy son-of-a-b*tch that he is (or a “f*ckin’ sissy bastard,” as Grandma Josephine calls him before doing a little jig to further emphasize that her grandson is a sissy and perhaps dances like a girl), the fact that I had the time to notice the empty shelves and large Fed-Ex box in the living room and wonder why said shelves were empty and what was in that box (my guess is a sweet TV set that Grandma Josephine probably destroyed during another one of her tantrums), or an appearance from Grams Jo’ at the end of the video shamelessly asking people to subscribe to her YouTube page? (I’m pretty sure her sassy girly-dancing grandson threatened to hide another bottle of whiskey if she didn’t do it.)
And while I was laughing at this video and feeling awful all at once (terrible clusterf*ck of emotions right there), I wondered just how long it would take for an intervention to kick in; there are just so many starter jackets that Jo can keep throwing at her grandson to shut him up and hand over the bottle.
Call me selfish, but I would love this woman to grace A&E’s Intervention. How absolutely epic would that episode be (alright, maybe not epic, but awesome – yes)? They don’t even need to hire a camera crew! They can just ask Sassy McSasserson to film it.
Man, I’m by no means supporting alcoholism, but if it gives me good TV, I’m all about it!
(Just kidding guys, I only support those with addictions to computer dust removers.)
Filed under: Celebrity News, Popculture, Television | Tags: awards, celebrities, liquor, Movies, TV
Ahh, the Golden Globes. Opening day in a month-long masturbatory spectacular that Hollywood feels it deserves regardless of the actual quality of product it delivers every year. I’m going to be honest, I haven’t seen any of the high art movies this year, mostly because I am unemployed and waiting for a day I can devote solely to theater-hopping, but apparently, from last night’s results, this year is all about Bollywood and Kate Winslet. And TV I actually like.
Let’s start with Kate Winslet. I will admit that she is one of the high-octane actresses I pity. It’s hard to pity any of them, when they have stretched and sanded skin and bone structures a cat could envy, but I do manage to find a little sympathy for the underrated. I hated Titanic, but felt kind of bad when Helen Hunt won the Oscar for Best Actress over her. (Whatever happened to her, anyway?) And since then, she’s pretty much been on a roll. She’s one of the few actresses who manages to play more than one role (I’m lookin’ at you, Cameron), and both Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Little Children would have suffered without her. So sure. Give her an award. Hell, give her two, why not? Also, I will forever admire her for admitting how ultimately forgettable Angelina Jolie is. But Angelina seemed too cranked to mind anyway, so everyone wins.
Next, Bollywood. Or Mumbai. Yes, I am an ethno-centric American who hasn’t seen Slumdog Millionaire. My only familiarity with it, in fact, is that it was directed by the same guy who gratiously revealed Cillian Murphy’s junk to the world in 28 Days Later. So obviously, I’m already a fan of this guy. I never thought Who Wants to Be a Millionaire would be relevant again once Meredith Viera ushered it into syndication. I was wrong.
Finally, TV. I love 30 Rock. I love Mad Men. I love award shows that Tina Fey attends because her acceptance speeches always bring a sparkle to my day. Imagine my disappointment when she let a perpetually drunk Tracy Morgan deliver it instead. To be fair, I’ve been waiting for someone to call out Cate Blanchette’s obvious racism. That Aryan bitch. This means, however, that I’m forced to be glad that she won Best Actress in a Comedy Series just so I could hear her snap, crackle, and pop. And what did she do? Told a bunch of stupid internet trolls to “Suck it.” Damnit, Tina, even though they undoubtedly used language like “TINA FAY SUX 4EVER” and “I CULD RIGHT BETTER THEN THIS BICH,” you’ve got to keep the quality of your snark high. If you sink to their level, you’re only letting them win.
Like any awards show, it was about 90% boring, 5% heart-wrenching, and 5% infuriating. Why the hell didn’t Jon Hamm win for Mad Men? I guess because he’s so damn good-looking he doesn’t really have to do anything except brood, furrow his eyebrows, and suck suggestively on cigarettes. All right, so maybe 3% infuriating and 2% awe-inspiring. Why did it appear like the celebrities weren’t eating anything? Are they like vampires, who maintain the illusion of humanity with empty plates and dishes? I did see some wine and Voss bottles. Apparently they all maintain those skeletal frames through a carefully designed liquid diet. Liquor, water, and the blood of virgins. Take note, American youth.
Filed under: Celebrity News, Television | Tags: Bravo, Dallas Austin, Kim, Nene Leakes, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Sheree
I am ashamed that I am about to post ANOTHER entry regarding “the Real Housewives of Atlanta” but since last time I have had a change of heart. I can’t allow people to associate me with some of the things I wrote (because you are always thinking of my opinions on Bravo shows) so I thought, with the season ending, now would be a good time to revisit and retract some things.
Am I still Team Nene? You betcha. Nene had my heart from day one. Nene kept it real. Sure she talked shit on people, especially when drinking, but she didn’t make excuses and she didn’t back down. Was she trying to launch a ridiculous singing career? No. Was she pretending to be a fashion designer? No. She was just chillin, being Nene. And you know what? It works for her. (A bra might also work for her, but that’s a different story.)
Nene has her faults of course. When she was trying to be supportive of Kim’s music, she sang that “Tardy to the Party” song way too much. She could be a tad embarrassing when drunk, as we all saw by the look that was all over her husband, Gregg’s, face. And while Nene’s charity, Twisted Hearts, was a great charity, the big hat idea left her looking not too far off from Dumb Donald from “Fat Albert.”
Am I still Team Kim? Oh haillllll no. I knew from day one that Kim had a weave on her head and Botox in her face but I thought her lies were all physical. I didn’t realize that “Big Poppa” aka her main man, was a married man. I also didn’t realize that she was going around saying she was 29. If she’s 29 then I’m five. There is no way that woman is younger than 35. You know what, I’m feeling generous; I’ll even give her 30. But in your twenties? YOU WISH.
Moving on to Kim’s singing career… where to begin… where to begin? Oh, let’s start with YOU CAN’T SING. Why is it that rich people NEED to just put out an album just because they have money burning a hole in their pocket? Attention Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Montag and Kim from the Real Housewives of Atlanta: YOU CAN’T SING. You need to be able to sing to launch a singing career! Dallas Austin and Scott Storch can only do so much. I will say though a highlight of this season was when the singing coach said to Kim, “you don’t really know what you’re doing.” Thank you!
Kim likes to say how beautiful she and Sheree are. She even goes so far in one episode to call her beauty a burden. After that quote, I sort of understood what Kim meant because her existence had become quite the burden on me.
Luckily for all of us, Nene has a fine replacement for Kim. His name is Dwight and he has the most beautiful feet ever (and they are NOT a burden to him.) He also will reveal the secret to his radiance, unlike Kim whose secret is so obviously a weave and Restalin, which is to have sex 3 times a day. Beauty isn’t a burden for Dwight but back problems may be.
Will there be a second season? I’m not certain. But Bravo will deliver us an explosive reunion episode where even “Chinese-Black” Lisa will chime in and threaten to “flip Kim over the table.” *Hope Hope.* And of course we have Kim’s album to look forward to. Oh except for the fact that Dallas Austin’s blog says he is in NO WAY producing it. Hmmm… where can I download that “Tardy in the Party” joint to hold me over?
Filed under: Politics, Television | Tags: Election, political debate, Project Runway, Tim Gunn, undecided, vote
While perusing through my buddy list whilst watching Project Runway‘s Season Finale (I just love multi-tasking like that; it’s a skill that very few have perfected), I noticed that all of my uber political friends were “away” watching the debate (and most of their away messages consisted of something smart alecy about the candidate their against). My first reaction was “OH SHIT, I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM MISSING THE DEBATE! HOLY FUCK, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I DIDN’T EVEN DVR IT!” but then it hit me: CALM THE HELL DOWN, ALANNA! You already know who you’re voting for come November 4th. The debates are meant for the undecided, and since you’re far from that, go ahead with your decided self and enjoy the fashion show consisting of clothes that you will never fit into.
So this is where I went from being pissed off at Kenley Collins for giving Tim Gunn yet another attitude (what a condescending and pretentious bitch), to being pissed off at my friends. (Man, I’m either hardcore PMSing or hardcore drinking the hatorade for no apparent reason.) I’m sorry, but if you’re already adamant about who you’re voting for, why the hell are you torturing yourself watching a debate that will not only piss you off, but not benefit you what-so-ever? Unless, of course, there is a small inkling that you’re slightly unsure of your choice… or you just think Obama and McCain are dreamy to look at.
I really dislike people who plop themselves on their couch to watch the debate — wearing their “Vote for __insert candidate of your choice__” memorabilia — and then yell about the candidate they dislike for being a “moron.” No shit they’re a moron, Sherlock… THAT’S WHY YOU’RE NOT VOTING FOR THEM! So, before you stuff even more cheesy puffs into your mouth in hopes that this will comfort you, turn to BRAVO and watch some reality TV full of rainbows and sass to calm you down. I’m serious. Just fucking stop trying to prove to others that you’re a politico and start proving to yourself that you secretly want Tim Gunn to be your bff.
Leave the debates for the undecided; let the candidates attempt to win those people over, instead of unintentionally giving you more material to rant about.
And on that note… Some words of wisdom to go by for the undecided and decided alike:
Filed under: Popculture, Television | Tags: Bravo, Christian Soriano, Evander Holyfield, Kim, Nene, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Sheree, Television
Kudos to those who are so involved in the election process this year that they make it a point to watch every debate. However, for those who skipped another q and a with the candidates last Tuesday, you may have found another person to root for. I know I did. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Nene (pronounced knee-knee.)
If you don’t know who Nene is, you better get your ass onto the couch next Tuesday night at 9pm because she is the sassiest, fiercest diva on Bravo… sorry Christian Soriano fans.
The premiere episode of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” did not disappoint. While the women of the Orange County may have been the most plastic and the women of New York City may have been the snobbiest, there is no doubt that the ladies of Atlanta are living the most lavish of housewife lives. From hair salons in their home to personal fashion designers, these ladies are HIGH MAITENANCE. And my main girl, Nene, is living large, looking fab and taking no shit.
I first fell in love with Nene when they flashed her name on screen and I saw her in the background snapping her fingers in a z-formation. Nene calls her son her pooh-pooh, eats fried crab cakes instead of potatoes because she cares about her bod, and likes all eyes on the most important person in the room… which is always Nene. While getting ready for a party Nene tells her make up artist “she needs her lashes poppin’, lips bustin’ and needs to look awake even though she’s drinking.” Mmmm hmmm, I always say the secret to any good outfit is looking awake.
In a true ‘love thy own self’ moment, Nene sees her reflection in the mirror shrieks with pleasure. How many women do that when they see their reflection? I have only shrieked with fear at the sight of mine. In a world filled with girls that have self-esteem issues, isn’t it nice to see a lady just loving what god gave her?
When describing what happens when she enters a room, Nene can only make the following sounds, “mmmmm, wow, and bam!” I’m sure if the cameras continued rolling on that moment there may have been “ooohs and ahhs” as well.
Nene’s bff is Kim. Kim is everything you would want in a best girlfriend. She has a ton of money thanks to her secret boyfriend, Big Poppa (Biggie? Is that you?), a great sense of fashion (partly thanks to her personal designer) and huge double-d breasts, which, in Nene’s opinion, make her a good shimmy-er. Nene squeals “oh Kim, you shimmy real good!” when she sees Kim jiggling her chest in her new $80k escalade. The best part about Kim? She’s got Nene’s back.
Like all great princess stories, there is an evil queen trying to take our heroine down. That bitch, is Sheree (pronounced Shah-ray)
Sheree is throwing the biggest party in Atlanta and only the cream of the Atlanta crop can come. She has a publicist and boxing champion, Evander Holyfield’s, daughter working for her on the party. She even personally called Nene to invite her to the party. But guess what? When the ladies get to the party, Nene isn’t on the list. Did Evander Holyfield’s daughter tell security about that error? No. Did Sheree act humble and come out to apologize to Nene? No. Was Nene pissed? Hell yeah, it’s on now.
What does the future of this season hold for Nene? One can only assume that she will continue to look fierce, work it, put bitches in their place and have all eyes on her when she walks in the room. And, if we are lucky, Kim will shimmy some more. Nene and Kim… possibly the best ticket out there this election season.
Filed under: Popculture, Television | Tags: dr. drew pinsky, fatman scoop, love line, man & wife, mtv, sex with mom & dad, shanda, trl
Now that TRL got canned, MTV is officially music video-free (aw, bummer). With an array of quality reality shows vying for attention (Paris, meet Heidi, Heidi meet Paris), MTV decided to also sneak in two shows about sex… Right, because those who listen to music also have sex and a music television channel should cater to those people, or else they will write angry e-mails complaining about the lack of sex shows on a music channel that stopped airing music videos years ago. Yes, that’s exactly fucking it! BRILLIANT, MTV, JUST FUCKING BRILLIANT! So, now instead of an hour of TRL, we are now blessed with Sex… With Mom & Dad and Man & Wife.
Let’s start with Sex… With Mom & Dad. Not only is the title cringe-worthy, but the premise is just as equally cringe-worthy. Basically, hot ass Dr. Drew Pinsky (of Love Line and Celebrity Rehab fame) teaches parents and their slutty offsprings how to talk to one another about sex. Apparently, it’s part of Think MTV’s sexual-health campaign entitled “It’s Your (Sex) Life,” but I don’t know anyone who is sexually-active and would tune in for this half-hour gem and want to approach their parents about sex afterwards. Aw, what a precious PSA that could have been summed up in less than two minutes and aired as a commercial. But instead, it’s like a fucked up episode of Full House. Not to mention, how many more episodes can you produce before this subject becomes redundant?
I’m barely ever home in time to watch Sex… With Mom & Dad anyway, so I don’t even feel like I should keep bitching about it, but what I was at home in time for the other day was Man & Wife, and Jesus-fucking-Christ, how I wish I wasn’t.
Synopsis from MTV.com:
“Man and Wife break new ground as the first married couple in the hip-hop genre discussing sex, money, sex, relationships, sex, jobs, sex, politics, sex, marriage, and yes, sex! Inspired by Scoop and Shanda’s www.ManandWife.tv, one of the most popular video podcast shows across the internet and a podcast that consistently tops the charts on iTunes, Man and Wife, the TV show, is one of those rare programs that boldly goes where no show has gone before. But make no mistake; this is not just a show about talkin’ dirty.”
No, MTV, it isn’t just a show about “talkin’ dirty,” it’s also a show that we can all do without. Honestly, just because this did well on the internet, doesn’t mean it will do well on basic cable… with a live audience, nonetheless.
First of all, I don’t need to see Fatman Scoops’ man tits and back rolls seeping through his wife beater right before I go to sleep; this is how nightmares are formed! And what the hell does fierce Shanda, and her crazy ass weave, see in him?! He looks like he smells 24/7. (I can only assume he is good in the sack, since their entire forte is talking about it, but still, not an image I want to envision… ever.)
And they lay in bed during the entire show! NO, JUST NO. I understand it may look “innovative,” and it may fit perfectly with the theme, but not only is it fucking awkward as hell, but having the hosts of the show lay in bed for the entire duration is going to bore the A.D.D. demographic the is attempting to target.
Oh, and the best part is when Scoop and/or Shanda make a corny sexual innuendo and the camera cuts to an audience member laughing their fucking ass off. I can almost guarantee that they shoot the audience members’ pseudo reactions before the show even begins so they have reactions to insert into the show when needed. Sort of like an applause meter, except not. And you wanna know why? BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT FUNNY!!!
And the fucking questions that people ask… LOVE LINE ALREADY ANSWERED ALL OF THEM…10 YEARS AGO…BY DR. DREW (geez, with all the fucking sex-related shit that he has done, I hope he’s like the second coming of Christ in bed)!!! And just because this time around the questions are being answered by a sassy bitch and her loud and obnoxious spouse, doesn’t mean it’s any different or ground-breaking. It’s just awkward and contrived as shit. It’s more awkward than watching Sue Johanson – who is a little ol’ grandma – not only talk about sex, but talk about sex while holding the newly released sex toys with her little ol’ grandma hands. And I was also about to say it’s more contrived than anything Diablo Cody could ever write, but that’s actually not true at all.
MTV: totally irrelevant, one show at a time.
Filed under: Celebrity News, Popculture, Random Shit, Style, Television | Tags: boohbah, Fashion, pierre cardin
I don’t know much about fashion, well, I really don’t know anything about fashion; but I do know what a steaming pile of shit looks like.
Pierre Cardin, a French designer, who before today I have never heard of, revealed his new “ready-to-wear” collection yesterday. Now, when I read “ready-to-wear” I assume that the piece of clothing in question isn’t some haute couture dress you would only see on the runway, but something you would be able to buy at a boutique and go out in.
So explain this. No, seriously, I’m waiting. Do you know what I see when I look at this shit? Pierre Cardin is a big Boohbah fan. You know the Teletubbies’ ugly stepsister the Boohbahs? Probably not; the best way to explain these bizarre creatures is to close your eyes and imagine giant colored testicles that float in the air, and somehow produce queefing noises as they flutter through their magical atmosphere. All the while their tiny human faces are wrapped up by layers of crumpled foreskin.
This is Jumbah, the blue Boohbah. Look familiar? It should, as it’s the same fucking thing Pierre Cardin “designed.” Now maybe I’m missing something, but does a woman really want to look like a giant queefing testicle with foreskin around her delicate features? I’m sure there’s a niche market out there somewhere for deranged fetishists, but is this shit really considered “ready-to-wear”?
Pierre Cardin doesn’t stop there, he has a lot more stupid shit to bring you, and it comes with even more blatant hijacking of pop culture. Now you might be thinking, oh he’s going to make some joke about Ms. Pacman getting her period here, but you would be wrong; that would totally be funny though so I’ll save that for later. Not many people are as well versed in early 90′s mascots as I am, so I don’t blame you if you didn’t recognize this one, but it’s without a doubt Cool Spot, the now defunct 7 Up mascot. Most people don’t remember the poor guy, he was a symptom of the “cool” and “rad” phase advertisers went after Sonic the Hedgehog became such a hit.
And truly rad he was. Cool Spot was one of my heroes growing up, along with Chester Cheetah and the aforementioned Sonic. He had the awesome sunglasses, the kickass white gloves, and the awesome “I don’t give a fuck,” take charge, get laid tons by other anthropomorphic dot logos personality that I idolized. Now seriously, look at these two images, is there any fucking difference minus the gloves? They even wear the same leggings as each other, move over Lindsay, Cool Spot was the O.G. of that shit.
There’s so much more to say and show, but formatting this shit is a bitch, so I’ll make it quick.
We have the first model in a dress that looks like Cardin raided his local Gymboree, took their collapsible kiddie tunnel and spray painted it gold. I wonder if any of the kids at the show were tempted to crawl up inside the model’s uterus, that dress is pretty much an open invitation to anything motoring on all fours.
The second model seems to be stuck in her sleeping bag. Who knew awkward mornings and nights out camping were high fashion?
The third model.. Well, that’s what happens when a shark rapes the “dress” the second model is wearing.
Sources: Agenies, Valery Hache
If you’re interested you can check out more of this line here, included are an homage to Sally Field’s The Flying Nun and the terrible afters of someone who was given gastric bypass, with incredibly large amounts of sagging skin under the arms.
Filed under: Popculture, Television | Tags: Bravo, Fashion, Kenley Collins, Nina Garcia, Project Runway, Tim Gunn
After five seasons of “Project Runway,” you would think that this loyal fan would be used to whiney, overly confident, stubborn brats. I don’t mind attitude, it is something that comes with fashion. Last season’s winner, Christian Soriano was filled with sass and attitude and he was great. But sass on the runway and being a brat on the runway are two completely different things, and the latter… well it’s on my last nerve. Kenley Collins is no Christian Soriano. Kenley seems like a more likely fit for “My Super Sweet 16″ than “Project Runway.” Can we exile her?
That’s not fair of me. Kenley Collins is a decent designer. She has the potential to do great work, but for the time being she is turning in average designs. Her pieces are simple, cute, and easy to wear. But they are all vintage dresses and look great on some one that dresses like… well, Kenley Collins. There is nothing innovative about her styles.
Since the show started Kenley has not yet wowed this viewer once. Even in the “Avant-garde challenge,” Kenley’s idea of avant-garde was a puffed up version of her standard vintage dress. Kenley’s ability to progress this far in the competition is solely based on the fact that other designers have faltered much worse, while Kenley continues to submit the same average pieces.
Kenley’s simple vintage dresses would not be so bad if Kenley would stop being obnoxious. To send a vintage dress down the runway during the job interview challenge is fine, to send it down the runway during the “lipstick jungle” challenge is lame. But, if she admitted fault and learned from her mistake, it wouldn’t seem so bad. Not only won’t she accept her shortcomings in challenges, but she also back talks all the judges and tells them they are wrong. You’re right, Nina Garcia doesn’t know fashion like you do. Elle Magazine is only one of the biggest fashion magazines in the world and she’s the editor.
Kenley laughs at other contestants when they do poorly, complains that she is not given enough time to do a better job (everyone is given the same amount of time) and is loud in the workroom while everybody is trying to concentrate. But the worst part of Kenley Collins, the part that will certainly not win her the fan favorite award this season, is her rude attitude towards our beloved Tim Gunn.
After five seasons of the show, I still wonder why contestants do not take Tim Gunn’s advice. In case you haven’t noticed, designers, he’s always right with his suggestions. And yet, Kenley constantly let’s his good advice fall to the wayside. More over, she asks, “what does Tim know anyway?” Well, Kenley, as a man who was randomly discovered for the show only to become the star, managed to parlay his appearances on the show into a career with Liz Claiborne and has his own show entirely, I would say he knows a bit. What store did you say you designed for again? Wal-mart? It’s time to start listening to Tim Gunn.
I’m amazed that this week’s stubbornness didn’t get Kenley sent home. This bratty vintage suburban girl actually snapped at LL Cool J that she knew what hip-hop was. That might work if you are arguing with Martha Stewart about what hip-hop is but I’m pretty sure LL knows what he’s talking about. (Actually, Martha probably knows more too. I mean she is friends with Diddy and Busta.) Twenty years of being a hip-hop artist will teach you a few things about hip-hop style.
Next week the final three for Bryant Park will be decided. While I don’t think this is the strongest season yet, I definitely think that there is talent there. Kenley Collins is not it. It’s a sad day in fashion when you actually want some one to lose the attitude.
Oh yeah and Team Karto!
