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accordingtoalannaFiled under: Advice, Arts & Culture, Celebrity News, Lifestyle, Popculture, Style | Tags: bette midler, beyonce, cher, christina aguilera, cyndi lauper, gay icon, gays, joan crawford, kathy griffin, madonna, rosie o'donnell, sasha fierce
If there is any group of people who are kicking 2009 off on a good note, it’s the celebrities that gays go absolutely bat sh*t crazy over. Example: Lady Gaga went from being a drag queen-looking chick with allergies to pants to a legitimate #1 artist, Liza Minelli went from being married to an ogre and having a semi-anti-climactic comeback on Arrested Development to being a Broadway star all over again, Beyoncé went from being herself as Beyoncé to being herself as Sasha Fierce (quite possibly the most unnecessary alter-ego since Chris Gaines, but at least this b*tch provided us with the fiercest viral phenomenon yet) and Oprah is back on the weight loss bandwagon and there ain’t no stoppin’ her! It might be too soon to say, but gosh darn it I’ll say it anyway: Gay Icons could quite possibly be having the best kickoff to a New Year ever!!!
But what does it take to actually be embraced by a community that is not only fabulous, but also picky and willing to turn their backs on you if you just so much as peep a negative word about Britney’s comeback? I decided to put on my faux fur parka and silky weave and hit the streets of the Internet to figure out exactly what it takes to become a Gay Icon, so you can be on your way to becoming this:
1) Fashion Don’ts Are Your Best Friend: Seriously, if there’s a warrant out for your arrest by the fashion police, then keep on hiding from the po-po, because the gays need you in their lives. Remember, being a hot mess is still a compliment.
2) Hard Knock Life: It seems as though many Gay Icons were outcasts as children (see: Oprah, Christina Aguilera, and Victoria Beckham). If you were once an ugly duckling or jumped by your entire 4th grade class, then wipe those tears away because honey, you’re almost there!
3) Potty Mouth Trained: Bette Midler, Cyndi Lauper, Cher, Joan Crawford, Kathy Griffin, Rosie O’Donnell and Madonna are all broads who have put many Sailors out of business with their impressive swearing skills. Practice using f*ck, sh*t and motherf*cker in the same sentence and you’ll be on your way.
4) Drink Up: The classiest Gay Icons were also closeted drunks. Go raid your grandma’s liquor cabinet for that old sh*t; you’ll instantly feel like an incarnation of Judy Garland (R.I.P. baby girl)
5) Here Comes the Bride… Again: Either they’ve been married more than once or they’ve been in long-term relationships that are all shades of what-the-f*ck (if Chris Hansen existed in the 80s, he would’ve been telling Celine Dion’s manager-turned-husband to “have a seat”). If you prefer to be an independent woman, go get yourself a Stedman.
6) Don’t Give a Rats Ass: After struggling with a stint of hardships, the key attitude to have is one that doesn’t give a f*ck. If you have to shave your head and release an album whilst in rehab or talk smack on other celebrities whilst moving up from the D-list, just do it.
7) Get What You Want: Not all gay icons have to automatically be divas, but many are (J.Lo, I’m looking at you, homegirl). If you need that dressing room to be covered in chocolate, dandelions or horse urine, you demand that crap until some poor helpless underpaid shmuck gets it for you!
8) That’s Fat, Yo!: You have to go through some chubby/overweight/child-bearing hips stage at some point in your career. So grab the Cheetos now and worry about being sponsored by Jenny Craig later.
9) Fierce is Not a Word, it’s a Lifestyle: If you call yourself fierce, then you’re everything but. Wait until others coin you “fierce” before you start throwing that word around like you’re a Tyra Banks with turrets.
10) Talent or Bust: You MUST be talented in your field of work to actually even be given the time of day by the gay community. You can have as many rehab stints, divorces, tacky outfits and weight issues, but if you’re not a true performer, you’re ass is dunzo.
Do you hear that? I’m pretty sure it’s the sound of Kathy Griffin’s gays knocking on your door.
Filed under: Lifestyle, Movies, Random Shit, Style | Tags: friends, haircuts, high school musical 3, hsm3, vanessa hudgens, words of wisdom, zac efron
It has been awhile since any of the contributing snarks have graced this blog with their presence, but I will break this silent treatment once and for all (or at least until I run out of things to write about)…
During my last entry – nearly a hundred years ago, it seems – I promised a High School Musical 3 review. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I followed through with my promise on a promptly matter. And even more so, I can’t say that I actually come bearing a HSM3 review right now… What I can say is, it was campy, ridiculous, dramatic and lacked the following: acting skills, Sharpay, a shirtless Zac Efron, a consistent time-line, sense of time and proximity and catchy songs. What it didn’t lack: Shimmy dance moves courtesy of Zac Efron, unnecessary characters, Vanessa Hudgens’ shitty acting, homo-erotic innuendos and a whole lot of LOL-worthy moments.
Anyway, today I feel compelled to briefly rant about something very very important… No, this will not be about Pop 8 or President elect Obama, but about something a lot more crucial: FRIENDS WHO DO NOT TELL OTHER FRIENDS THE MOTHAFUCKIN’ TRUTH ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCES!
Let me elaborate. Let’s say, hypothetically, you’re about to go for your long overdue haircut and you’re thinking about getting a very different cut than what you normally get. Let’s say, hypothetically, you want to get a funky bob cut (and you’re a girl with ass-length gorgeous wavy hair). That’s a HUGE change, am I right? Now, let’s say you send out a mass e-mail to all of your dear friends with pictures of several celebrities who are sporting the same haircut that you want. You tell these friends “PLEASE REPLY BACK IF YOU THINK THIS WILL LOOK GOOD ON ME!” Only 3 of these so-called “friends” reply back and out of the 3, 2 tell you to “OMG GO FOR IT! YOU’LL LOOK SO GOOD!” and the other friend (let’s call this friend the best friend you’ll ever have) tells you to not get the cut because it will not only accentuate your already round face, but it will make you look like a fool, because you have such puffy hair. You opt to listen to the two jackass friends who are either blind, have no sense of style or just don’t want to hurt your feelings.
So, you get the haircut and of course, just like the best friend you’ll ever have predicted, you look like a fucking fool.
You feel too crunchy to admit that you look awful, so you start posting pictures of your new haircut on all of the social networking sites you’re a member of in attempt to get your sugarcoated friends to comment on them with jargon like, “OMG YOU LOOK SO AMAZING! THAT HAIRCUT LOOKS SO HOT ON YOU!” And you succeed. Lots of shmucks reply praising your haircut as if it was like the second coming of Christ. You know you look like crap, but this does not stop you from soaking in all of the phony compliments. However, the best friend you’ll ever have, on the other hand, is looked down upon for being a jerk for not loving your haircut from the get go.
My point is, if you consider yourself a true friend, you will tell your friends the damn truth; enough beating around the bush and worrying about hurt feelings. You guys are good friends, feelings will not get hurt, they will only be taken into consideration.
Even if you or your friends will only take the advice with a grain of salt, at least the advice was honest.
Words of Wisdom: While friends don’t let friends drink and drive, they also shouldn’t let friends get shitty haircuts (or unflattering outfits)!
Filed under: Celebrity News, Popculture, Random Shit, Style, Television | Tags: boohbah, Fashion, pierre cardin
I don’t know much about fashion, well, I really don’t know anything about fashion; but I do know what a steaming pile of shit looks like.
Pierre Cardin, a French designer, who before today I have never heard of, revealed his new “ready-to-wear” collection yesterday. Now, when I read “ready-to-wear” I assume that the piece of clothing in question isn’t some haute couture dress you would only see on the runway, but something you would be able to buy at a boutique and go out in.
So explain this. No, seriously, I’m waiting. Do you know what I see when I look at this shit? Pierre Cardin is a big Boohbah fan. You know the Teletubbies’ ugly stepsister the Boohbahs? Probably not; the best way to explain these bizarre creatures is to close your eyes and imagine giant colored testicles that float in the air, and somehow produce queefing noises as they flutter through their magical atmosphere. All the while their tiny human faces are wrapped up by layers of crumpled foreskin.
This is Jumbah, the blue Boohbah. Look familiar? It should, as it’s the same fucking thing Pierre Cardin “designed.” Now maybe I’m missing something, but does a woman really want to look like a giant queefing testicle with foreskin around her delicate features? I’m sure there’s a niche market out there somewhere for deranged fetishists, but is this shit really considered “ready-to-wear”?
Pierre Cardin doesn’t stop there, he has a lot more stupid shit to bring you, and it comes with even more blatant hijacking of pop culture. Now you might be thinking, oh he’s going to make some joke about Ms. Pacman getting her period here, but you would be wrong; that would totally be funny though so I’ll save that for later. Not many people are as well versed in early 90′s mascots as I am, so I don’t blame you if you didn’t recognize this one, but it’s without a doubt Cool Spot, the now defunct 7 Up mascot. Most people don’t remember the poor guy, he was a symptom of the “cool” and “rad” phase advertisers went after Sonic the Hedgehog became such a hit.
And truly rad he was. Cool Spot was one of my heroes growing up, along with Chester Cheetah and the aforementioned Sonic. He had the awesome sunglasses, the kickass white gloves, and the awesome “I don’t give a fuck,” take charge, get laid tons by other anthropomorphic dot logos personality that I idolized. Now seriously, look at these two images, is there any fucking difference minus the gloves? They even wear the same leggings as each other, move over Lindsay, Cool Spot was the O.G. of that shit.
There’s so much more to say and show, but formatting this shit is a bitch, so I’ll make it quick.
We have the first model in a dress that looks like Cardin raided his local Gymboree, took their collapsible kiddie tunnel and spray painted it gold. I wonder if any of the kids at the show were tempted to crawl up inside the model’s uterus, that dress is pretty much an open invitation to anything motoring on all fours.
The second model seems to be stuck in her sleeping bag. Who knew awkward mornings and nights out camping were high fashion?
The third model.. Well, that’s what happens when a shark rapes the “dress” the second model is wearing.
Sources: Agenies, Valery Hache
If you’re interested you can check out more of this line here, included are an homage to Sally Field’s The Flying Nun and the terrible afters of someone who was given gastric bypass, with incredibly large amounts of sagging skin under the arms.
Filed under: Politics, Popculture, Style | Tags: bangs, Fashion, Obama, Politics, Sarah Palin
It’s everywhere you turn. On bumper stickers, scrawled across trucker hats,(OY VEY Who the fuck is still wearing trucker hats) in commercials during a television show, staring from the cover of your favorite magazine. All with one resounding message: OBAMA FASHION is sweeping our nation.
Not since JFK has a political figure been so revered and loved by (most of) the American public. And fashion, ever a source of *unique* and “understated” expression, is showing the belabored symptoms as well.
The ubiquitous Obama tee can be seen on everyone from trendy hipsters in France to the glamourous Halle and trannylicious Beyonce strolling the streets of NYC…(minus her wig of course)
Other forms of fashionable political expression are not as endearing.
Honestly.
Who decided to come up with an Obama Dance?
…. Sure, maybe somewhere somehow it will inspire some poor lost youngster to vote… but you have to wonder: especially in light of the Paris Hilton comparisons, is it hurting or helping his campaign?
How long is it before women start coming into the salon asking for the “Palin Bangs”
or the “Alaskan Highlights”? Come on!
Not to quote Bring it On or anything (yea I took it there) but…remember young voters, paraphernalia is strictly forboden at the voting booths so remember to leave your trendy Obama Canvas tote bag at home on election day.
Just settle for the one you bought from Strand.
Filed under: Popculture, Random Shit, Style | Tags: bad hair, jennifer lopez
“Where in the hell have the gays been!?” you are probably wondering. No, I wasn’t having a mental breakdown or locked away in a psych ward nor did I commit any heinous crimes and spend a week at Rikers. (Thought if it’s anything like Oz I might welcome it)
I’ve been in the twilight zone….trapped between crates of shampoos, conditioners, cosmetics and hair dye.
Jennifer Lopez recently launched her new men’s fragrance “Deseo” (Desire for all the gringo’s out there) at the Macy’s in Herald Square.
and she showed up looking like
THIS
What, what, WHAT are you doing!
Honestly Jennifer Lopez. You make millions of dollars. Your ass is worth millions- so I want to meet whoever told you:
“GIRL YOU R SO EFFING FIERCE RIGHT NOW. GO OUT THERE AND SHOW THEM YOUR DESEO GURL”
YOUR BLONDE TONER IS FADING AND SURE THE LIPSTICK IS BLEEDING BUT HEY YOU’RE HENNEEFER LOHPEZ!
OH and don’t worry about your face looking powdery because that is so IN right now!
… Come on. Honestly. if I saw a woman walking around Herald Square like that I’d probably shake my head and say “God Bless Her.” I learned to do that hairset when I was like five. Seriously! Our Abuela’s now have a new style icon.
What I don’t get it is how these celebrities can leave the house looking the way they do sometimes- I know that backstage their handlers must be feeding them the “you look great!” “oh my god so fab.”
Examples:
From the glue in her hair to the animal fat in her lips she is one HBIC
Now, now. GOD BLESS HER. I love her, we all secretly do. but this event will be forever infamous.
But who.
WHO WHO WHO told this queen of mine that she looked hot going onto the stage like that. A real gay would have told her the truth.
Millions of dollars and all the luxuries in the world but no one will tell these divas of our generation the truth.
Filed under: Lifestyle, Style | Tags: Fashion, lesportsac, purses, rant, vera bradley
I am a purse snob.
I figure I’d come out and say that now.
So of course, like any other purse snob, I have a hatred for Vera Bradley bags. If you don’t know what these bags look like, 1) good for you and 2) google if you must (I am not putting up an image on this site because I hate those bags so much). They are second most controversial fashion-item you can have in college (the first would be Crocs)
You know, there are girls out there who aren’t really purse snobs, but share my hatred for those horrible quilted bags. In fact, there are over 2,000 members of the Facebook group Grandma is that you..?.. Oh, i’m sorry that’s just a Vera Bradley bag. Still though, the Vera Bradley lovers remain the majority (there are over 3,000 members of Addicted to Vera Bradley)
I spotted my first one about two years ago. I was on the bus going to class, when I saw a girl sitting across from me with what I thought was a hideous diaper bag. I thought to myself “man, she’s too young to be a mom.” As I was walking out of the bus and walking into the building where my class was, I saw ANOTHER girl with a bag. This time, blue.
So naturally I had to figure out what was going on. I had a conversation with a friend about these bags, and found the horrible name attached to it. But I think the most jaw-dropping moment of that conversation was when she told me how expensive these bags were. I’m here thinking that these shit-bombs are about $20, so imagine my surprise when I hear that they start at $40.
So, ladies, if you want a bag that like Vera Bradley and not so…well…lame, might I suggest LeSportsac? They are cute, fashionable (Gwen Stefani and Stella McCartnety have their own lines with this company) and made of nylon (which means you can easily wash off any stains). Also, they are around the same price. And, you won’t look like an idiot.
