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I really don’t know what’s funnier: Josephine, an angry grandma who keeps yelling obscenities while trying to find her bottle of whiskey from last night, her grandson who is behind the camera instigating like the sassy son-of-a-b*tch that he is (or a “f*ckin’ sissy bastard,” as Grandma Josephine calls him before doing a little jig to further emphasize that her grandson is a sissy and perhaps dances like a girl), the fact that I had the time to notice the empty shelves and large Fed-Ex box in the living room and wonder why said shelves were empty and what was in that box (my guess is a sweet TV set that Grandma Josephine probably destroyed during another one of her tantrums), or an appearance from Grams Jo’ at the end of the video shamelessly asking people to subscribe to her YouTube page? (I’m pretty sure her sassy girly-dancing grandson threatened to hide another bottle of whiskey if she didn’t do it.)
And while I was laughing at this video and feeling awful all at once (terrible clusterf*ck of emotions right there), I wondered just how long it would take for an intervention to kick in; there are just so many starter jackets that Jo can keep throwing at her grandson to shut him up and hand over the bottle.
Call me selfish, but I would love this woman to grace A&E’s Intervention. How absolutely epic would that episode be (alright, maybe not epic, but awesome – yes)? They don’t even need to hire a camera crew! They can just ask Sassy McSasserson to film it.
Man, I’m by no means supporting alcoholism, but if it gives me good TV, I’m all about it!
(Just kidding guys, I only support those with addictions to computer dust removers.)
Filed under: Lifestyle, Movies, Random Shit, Style | Tags: friends, haircuts, high school musical 3, hsm3, vanessa hudgens, words of wisdom, zac efron
It has been awhile since any of the contributing snarks have graced this blog with their presence, but I will break this silent treatment once and for all (or at least until I run out of things to write about)…
During my last entry – nearly a hundred years ago, it seems – I promised a High School Musical 3 review. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I followed through with my promise on a promptly matter. And even more so, I can’t say that I actually come bearing a HSM3 review right now… What I can say is, it was campy, ridiculous, dramatic and lacked the following: acting skills, Sharpay, a shirtless Zac Efron, a consistent time-line, sense of time and proximity and catchy songs. What it didn’t lack: Shimmy dance moves courtesy of Zac Efron, unnecessary characters, Vanessa Hudgens’ shitty acting, homo-erotic innuendos and a whole lot of LOL-worthy moments.
Anyway, today I feel compelled to briefly rant about something very very important… No, this will not be about Pop 8 or President elect Obama, but about something a lot more crucial: FRIENDS WHO DO NOT TELL OTHER FRIENDS THE MOTHAFUCKIN’ TRUTH ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCES!
Let me elaborate. Let’s say, hypothetically, you’re about to go for your long overdue haircut and you’re thinking about getting a very different cut than what you normally get. Let’s say, hypothetically, you want to get a funky bob cut (and you’re a girl with ass-length gorgeous wavy hair). That’s a HUGE change, am I right? Now, let’s say you send out a mass e-mail to all of your dear friends with pictures of several celebrities who are sporting the same haircut that you want. You tell these friends “PLEASE REPLY BACK IF YOU THINK THIS WILL LOOK GOOD ON ME!” Only 3 of these so-called “friends” reply back and out of the 3, 2 tell you to “OMG GO FOR IT! YOU’LL LOOK SO GOOD!” and the other friend (let’s call this friend the best friend you’ll ever have) tells you to not get the cut because it will not only accentuate your already round face, but it will make you look like a fool, because you have such puffy hair. You opt to listen to the two jackass friends who are either blind, have no sense of style or just don’t want to hurt your feelings.
So, you get the haircut and of course, just like the best friend you’ll ever have predicted, you look like a fucking fool.
You feel too crunchy to admit that you look awful, so you start posting pictures of your new haircut on all of the social networking sites you’re a member of in attempt to get your sugarcoated friends to comment on them with jargon like, “OMG YOU LOOK SO AMAZING! THAT HAIRCUT LOOKS SO HOT ON YOU!” And you succeed. Lots of shmucks reply praising your haircut as if it was like the second coming of Christ. You know you look like crap, but this does not stop you from soaking in all of the phony compliments. However, the best friend you’ll ever have, on the other hand, is looked down upon for being a jerk for not loving your haircut from the get go.
My point is, if you consider yourself a true friend, you will tell your friends the damn truth; enough beating around the bush and worrying about hurt feelings. You guys are good friends, feelings will not get hurt, they will only be taken into consideration.
Even if you or your friends will only take the advice with a grain of salt, at least the advice was honest.
Words of Wisdom: While friends don’t let friends drink and drive, they also shouldn’t let friends get shitty haircuts (or unflattering outfits)!
Filed under: Lifestyle, Random Shit | Tags: Add new tag, parents gone crazy, rant, Sports
LET'S FIGHT BECAUSE LITTLE BOBBY ISN'T PLAYING
Honestly, I don’t get it.
Why do parents of children who play sports suddenly become the craziest people I have ever seen once their precious son or daughter steps on the field?
I know this has been an issue long debated around the blogosphere and on TV when cases pop up like “Crazy Dad Kills Coach at Boys Football Game.” But I have had several personal experiences with this in the last few weeks, and tonight was just the fucking ICING ON THE CAKE – and so I had to create this post to vent it all out.
I have been an athlete my whole life. I’ve played little league, I’ve played travel ball, I’ve played in high school and I now play in college. I have witnessed it all. Luckily, my Dad was the one who said “I fucking hate all these parents, so when I come to your games I will be sitting in left field behind the trees so no one talks to me.” But most parents are not like that. Most parents believe that their son or daughter is the greatest athlete to walk God’s green earth, and everyone should think so.
A girl on my college team – she is 21 years of age – still cannot calmly speak with her father after softball games in which she performs poorly. This is because her Dad REFUSES TO SPEAK WITH HER IF SHE DOESN’T GET A HIT. OR MAKES AN ERROR. She once told me that her Dad spit in her face after a game when she was younger for doing something wrong. This is an extreme case, but it happens! Parents are crazy!
In another instance, I am great friends with one of my former coaches in high school and I reguarly come to her sons’ athletic events. One is eight and one is fourteen and playing at the varsity level. Now she is very competitive with everything, because she was a coach and these are her sons. She can be calm one second and the next second she is yelling during a pee-wee soccer game! I have to duck away because I get embarrassed! Just let the kids play! Your son is eight and he is not the next David Beckham.
Finally, I have decided to coach a 12 year old girls travel team this summer. Now I am on the other side of the fence. These parents want to be my best friend. They call me constantly with questions. When I had tryouts, I felt like I was trying to get A-Rod on my team, because that’s how they see their daughters. “I’d love to have ___ on the team this year!” “Yeah, well we’re going to be shopping around to see other teams so we’ll get back to you at some point and I will not specify when. Just hang in there and I’ll let you know if Derek Jeter will join the team.” NO FUCK YOU. I will not bow down to crazy parent demands.
So in conclusion – dear parents, there is probably a lower than 1% chance that your kid is the next A-Rod or Michael Jordan or whoever. You will not get a full scholarship to college unless you are AWESOME. And if your kid isn’t even in high school, please just let the coaches do their jobs which is to teach your kid the SKILLS to play.
/rant over.
Filed under: Celebrity News, Popculture, Random Shit, Style, Television | Tags: boohbah, Fashion, pierre cardin
I don’t know much about fashion, well, I really don’t know anything about fashion; but I do know what a steaming pile of shit looks like.
Pierre Cardin, a French designer, who before today I have never heard of, revealed his new “ready-to-wear” collection yesterday. Now, when I read “ready-to-wear” I assume that the piece of clothing in question isn’t some haute couture dress you would only see on the runway, but something you would be able to buy at a boutique and go out in.
So explain this. No, seriously, I’m waiting. Do you know what I see when I look at this shit? Pierre Cardin is a big Boohbah fan. You know the Teletubbies’ ugly stepsister the Boohbahs? Probably not; the best way to explain these bizarre creatures is to close your eyes and imagine giant colored testicles that float in the air, and somehow produce queefing noises as they flutter through their magical atmosphere. All the while their tiny human faces are wrapped up by layers of crumpled foreskin.
This is Jumbah, the blue Boohbah. Look familiar? It should, as it’s the same fucking thing Pierre Cardin “designed.” Now maybe I’m missing something, but does a woman really want to look like a giant queefing testicle with foreskin around her delicate features? I’m sure there’s a niche market out there somewhere for deranged fetishists, but is this shit really considered “ready-to-wear”?
Pierre Cardin doesn’t stop there, he has a lot more stupid shit to bring you, and it comes with even more blatant hijacking of pop culture. Now you might be thinking, oh he’s going to make some joke about Ms. Pacman getting her period here, but you would be wrong; that would totally be funny though so I’ll save that for later. Not many people are as well versed in early 90′s mascots as I am, so I don’t blame you if you didn’t recognize this one, but it’s without a doubt Cool Spot, the now defunct 7 Up mascot. Most people don’t remember the poor guy, he was a symptom of the “cool” and “rad” phase advertisers went after Sonic the Hedgehog became such a hit.
And truly rad he was. Cool Spot was one of my heroes growing up, along with Chester Cheetah and the aforementioned Sonic. He had the awesome sunglasses, the kickass white gloves, and the awesome “I don’t give a fuck,” take charge, get laid tons by other anthropomorphic dot logos personality that I idolized. Now seriously, look at these two images, is there any fucking difference minus the gloves? They even wear the same leggings as each other, move over Lindsay, Cool Spot was the O.G. of that shit.
There’s so much more to say and show, but formatting this shit is a bitch, so I’ll make it quick.
We have the first model in a dress that looks like Cardin raided his local Gymboree, took their collapsible kiddie tunnel and spray painted it gold. I wonder if any of the kids at the show were tempted to crawl up inside the model’s uterus, that dress is pretty much an open invitation to anything motoring on all fours.
The second model seems to be stuck in her sleeping bag. Who knew awkward mornings and nights out camping were high fashion?
The third model.. Well, that’s what happens when a shark rapes the “dress” the second model is wearing.
Sources: Agenies, Valery Hache
If you’re interested you can check out more of this line here, included are an homage to Sally Field’s The Flying Nun and the terrible afters of someone who was given gastric bypass, with incredibly large amounts of sagging skin under the arms.
Filed under: Popculture, Random Shit, Style | Tags: bad hair, jennifer lopez
“Where in the hell have the gays been!?” you are probably wondering. No, I wasn’t having a mental breakdown or locked away in a psych ward nor did I commit any heinous crimes and spend a week at Rikers. (Thought if it’s anything like Oz I might welcome it)
I’ve been in the twilight zone….trapped between crates of shampoos, conditioners, cosmetics and hair dye.
Jennifer Lopez recently launched her new men’s fragrance “Deseo” (Desire for all the gringo’s out there) at the Macy’s in Herald Square.
and she showed up looking like
THIS
What, what, WHAT are you doing!
Honestly Jennifer Lopez. You make millions of dollars. Your ass is worth millions- so I want to meet whoever told you:
“GIRL YOU R SO EFFING FIERCE RIGHT NOW. GO OUT THERE AND SHOW THEM YOUR DESEO GURL”
YOUR BLONDE TONER IS FADING AND SURE THE LIPSTICK IS BLEEDING BUT HEY YOU’RE HENNEEFER LOHPEZ!
OH and don’t worry about your face looking powdery because that is so IN right now!
… Come on. Honestly. if I saw a woman walking around Herald Square like that I’d probably shake my head and say “God Bless Her.” I learned to do that hairset when I was like five. Seriously! Our Abuela’s now have a new style icon.
What I don’t get it is how these celebrities can leave the house looking the way they do sometimes- I know that backstage their handlers must be feeding them the “you look great!” “oh my god so fab.”
Examples:
From the glue in her hair to the animal fat in her lips she is one HBIC
Now, now. GOD BLESS HER. I love her, we all secretly do. but this event will be forever infamous.
But who.
WHO WHO WHO told this queen of mine that she looked hot going onto the stage like that. A real gay would have told her the truth.
Millions of dollars and all the luxuries in the world but no one will tell these divas of our generation the truth.
