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accordingtoalannaFiled under: Advice, Arts & Culture, Celebrity News, Lifestyle, Popculture, Style | Tags: bette midler, beyonce, cher, christina aguilera, cyndi lauper, gay icon, gays, joan crawford, kathy griffin, madonna, rosie o'donnell, sasha fierce
If there is any group of people who are kicking 2009 off on a good note, it’s the celebrities that gays go absolutely bat sh*t crazy over. Example: Lady Gaga went from being a drag queen-looking chick with allergies to pants to a legitimate #1 artist, Liza Minelli went from being married to an ogre and having a semi-anti-climactic comeback on Arrested Development to being a Broadway star all over again, Beyoncé went from being herself as Beyoncé to being herself as Sasha Fierce (quite possibly the most unnecessary alter-ego since Chris Gaines, but at least this b*tch provided us with the fiercest viral phenomenon yet) and Oprah is back on the weight loss bandwagon and there ain’t no stoppin’ her! It might be too soon to say, but gosh darn it I’ll say it anyway: Gay Icons could quite possibly be having the best kickoff to a New Year ever!!!
But what does it take to actually be embraced by a community that is not only fabulous, but also picky and willing to turn their backs on you if you just so much as peep a negative word about Britney’s comeback? I decided to put on my faux fur parka and silky weave and hit the streets of the Internet to figure out exactly what it takes to become a Gay Icon, so you can be on your way to becoming this:
1) Fashion Don’ts Are Your Best Friend: Seriously, if there’s a warrant out for your arrest by the fashion police, then keep on hiding from the po-po, because the gays need you in their lives. Remember, being a hot mess is still a compliment.
2) Hard Knock Life: It seems as though many Gay Icons were outcasts as children (see: Oprah, Christina Aguilera, and Victoria Beckham). If you were once an ugly duckling or jumped by your entire 4th grade class, then wipe those tears away because honey, you’re almost there!
3) Potty Mouth Trained: Bette Midler, Cyndi Lauper, Cher, Joan Crawford, Kathy Griffin, Rosie O’Donnell and Madonna are all broads who have put many Sailors out of business with their impressive swearing skills. Practice using f*ck, sh*t and motherf*cker in the same sentence and you’ll be on your way.
4) Drink Up: The classiest Gay Icons were also closeted drunks. Go raid your grandma’s liquor cabinet for that old sh*t; you’ll instantly feel like an incarnation of Judy Garland (R.I.P. baby girl)
5) Here Comes the Bride… Again: Either they’ve been married more than once or they’ve been in long-term relationships that are all shades of what-the-f*ck (if Chris Hansen existed in the 80s, he would’ve been telling Celine Dion’s manager-turned-husband to “have a seat”). If you prefer to be an independent woman, go get yourself a Stedman.
6) Don’t Give a Rats Ass: After struggling with a stint of hardships, the key attitude to have is one that doesn’t give a f*ck. If you have to shave your head and release an album whilst in rehab or talk smack on other celebrities whilst moving up from the D-list, just do it.
7) Get What You Want: Not all gay icons have to automatically be divas, but many are (J.Lo, I’m looking at you, homegirl). If you need that dressing room to be covered in chocolate, dandelions or horse urine, you demand that crap until some poor helpless underpaid shmuck gets it for you!
8) That’s Fat, Yo!: You have to go through some chubby/overweight/child-bearing hips stage at some point in your career. So grab the Cheetos now and worry about being sponsored by Jenny Craig later.
9) Fierce is Not a Word, it’s a Lifestyle: If you call yourself fierce, then you’re everything but. Wait until others coin you “fierce” before you start throwing that word around like you’re a Tyra Banks with turrets.
10) Talent or Bust: You MUST be talented in your field of work to actually even be given the time of day by the gay community. You can have as many rehab stints, divorces, tacky outfits and weight issues, but if you’re not a true performer, you’re ass is dunzo.
Do you hear that? I’m pretty sure it’s the sound of Kathy Griffin’s gays knocking on your door.
Filed under: Lifestyle, Movies, Random Shit, Style | Tags: friends, haircuts, high school musical 3, hsm3, vanessa hudgens, words of wisdom, zac efron
It has been awhile since any of the contributing snarks have graced this blog with their presence, but I will break this silent treatment once and for all (or at least until I run out of things to write about)…
During my last entry – nearly a hundred years ago, it seems – I promised a High School Musical 3 review. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I followed through with my promise on a promptly matter. And even more so, I can’t say that I actually come bearing a HSM3 review right now… What I can say is, it was campy, ridiculous, dramatic and lacked the following: acting skills, Sharpay, a shirtless Zac Efron, a consistent time-line, sense of time and proximity and catchy songs. What it didn’t lack: Shimmy dance moves courtesy of Zac Efron, unnecessary characters, Vanessa Hudgens’ shitty acting, homo-erotic innuendos and a whole lot of LOL-worthy moments.
Anyway, today I feel compelled to briefly rant about something very very important… No, this will not be about Pop 8 or President elect Obama, but about something a lot more crucial: FRIENDS WHO DO NOT TELL OTHER FRIENDS THE MOTHAFUCKIN’ TRUTH ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCES!
Let me elaborate. Let’s say, hypothetically, you’re about to go for your long overdue haircut and you’re thinking about getting a very different cut than what you normally get. Let’s say, hypothetically, you want to get a funky bob cut (and you’re a girl with ass-length gorgeous wavy hair). That’s a HUGE change, am I right? Now, let’s say you send out a mass e-mail to all of your dear friends with pictures of several celebrities who are sporting the same haircut that you want. You tell these friends “PLEASE REPLY BACK IF YOU THINK THIS WILL LOOK GOOD ON ME!” Only 3 of these so-called “friends” reply back and out of the 3, 2 tell you to “OMG GO FOR IT! YOU’LL LOOK SO GOOD!” and the other friend (let’s call this friend the best friend you’ll ever have) tells you to not get the cut because it will not only accentuate your already round face, but it will make you look like a fool, because you have such puffy hair. You opt to listen to the two jackass friends who are either blind, have no sense of style or just don’t want to hurt your feelings.
So, you get the haircut and of course, just like the best friend you’ll ever have predicted, you look like a fucking fool.
You feel too crunchy to admit that you look awful, so you start posting pictures of your new haircut on all of the social networking sites you’re a member of in attempt to get your sugarcoated friends to comment on them with jargon like, “OMG YOU LOOK SO AMAZING! THAT HAIRCUT LOOKS SO HOT ON YOU!” And you succeed. Lots of shmucks reply praising your haircut as if it was like the second coming of Christ. You know you look like crap, but this does not stop you from soaking in all of the phony compliments. However, the best friend you’ll ever have, on the other hand, is looked down upon for being a jerk for not loving your haircut from the get go.
My point is, if you consider yourself a true friend, you will tell your friends the damn truth; enough beating around the bush and worrying about hurt feelings. You guys are good friends, feelings will not get hurt, they will only be taken into consideration.
Even if you or your friends will only take the advice with a grain of salt, at least the advice was honest.
Words of Wisdom: While friends don’t let friends drink and drive, they also shouldn’t let friends get shitty haircuts (or unflattering outfits)!
Filed under: Lifestyle, Random Shit | Tags: Add new tag, parents gone crazy, rant, Sports
LET'S FIGHT BECAUSE LITTLE BOBBY ISN'T PLAYING
Honestly, I don’t get it.
Why do parents of children who play sports suddenly become the craziest people I have ever seen once their precious son or daughter steps on the field?
I know this has been an issue long debated around the blogosphere and on TV when cases pop up like “Crazy Dad Kills Coach at Boys Football Game.” But I have had several personal experiences with this in the last few weeks, and tonight was just the fucking ICING ON THE CAKE – and so I had to create this post to vent it all out.
I have been an athlete my whole life. I’ve played little league, I’ve played travel ball, I’ve played in high school and I now play in college. I have witnessed it all. Luckily, my Dad was the one who said “I fucking hate all these parents, so when I come to your games I will be sitting in left field behind the trees so no one talks to me.” But most parents are not like that. Most parents believe that their son or daughter is the greatest athlete to walk God’s green earth, and everyone should think so.
A girl on my college team – she is 21 years of age – still cannot calmly speak with her father after softball games in which she performs poorly. This is because her Dad REFUSES TO SPEAK WITH HER IF SHE DOESN’T GET A HIT. OR MAKES AN ERROR. She once told me that her Dad spit in her face after a game when she was younger for doing something wrong. This is an extreme case, but it happens! Parents are crazy!
In another instance, I am great friends with one of my former coaches in high school and I reguarly come to her sons’ athletic events. One is eight and one is fourteen and playing at the varsity level. Now she is very competitive with everything, because she was a coach and these are her sons. She can be calm one second and the next second she is yelling during a pee-wee soccer game! I have to duck away because I get embarrassed! Just let the kids play! Your son is eight and he is not the next David Beckham.
Finally, I have decided to coach a 12 year old girls travel team this summer. Now I am on the other side of the fence. These parents want to be my best friend. They call me constantly with questions. When I had tryouts, I felt like I was trying to get A-Rod on my team, because that’s how they see their daughters. “I’d love to have ___ on the team this year!” “Yeah, well we’re going to be shopping around to see other teams so we’ll get back to you at some point and I will not specify when. Just hang in there and I’ll let you know if Derek Jeter will join the team.” NO FUCK YOU. I will not bow down to crazy parent demands.
So in conclusion – dear parents, there is probably a lower than 1% chance that your kid is the next A-Rod or Michael Jordan or whoever. You will not get a full scholarship to college unless you are AWESOME. And if your kid isn’t even in high school, please just let the coaches do their jobs which is to teach your kid the SKILLS to play.
/rant over.
Filed under: Lifestyle, Style | Tags: Fashion, lesportsac, purses, rant, vera bradley
I am a purse snob.
I figure I’d come out and say that now.
So of course, like any other purse snob, I have a hatred for Vera Bradley bags. If you don’t know what these bags look like, 1) good for you and 2) google if you must (I am not putting up an image on this site because I hate those bags so much). They are second most controversial fashion-item you can have in college (the first would be Crocs)
You know, there are girls out there who aren’t really purse snobs, but share my hatred for those horrible quilted bags. In fact, there are over 2,000 members of the Facebook group Grandma is that you..?.. Oh, i’m sorry that’s just a Vera Bradley bag. Still though, the Vera Bradley lovers remain the majority (there are over 3,000 members of Addicted to Vera Bradley)
I spotted my first one about two years ago. I was on the bus going to class, when I saw a girl sitting across from me with what I thought was a hideous diaper bag. I thought to myself “man, she’s too young to be a mom.” As I was walking out of the bus and walking into the building where my class was, I saw ANOTHER girl with a bag. This time, blue.
So naturally I had to figure out what was going on. I had a conversation with a friend about these bags, and found the horrible name attached to it. But I think the most jaw-dropping moment of that conversation was when she told me how expensive these bags were. I’m here thinking that these shit-bombs are about $20, so imagine my surprise when I hear that they start at $40.
So, ladies, if you want a bag that like Vera Bradley and not so…well…lame, might I suggest LeSportsac? They are cute, fashionable (Gwen Stefani and Stella McCartnety have their own lines with this company) and made of nylon (which means you can easily wash off any stains). Also, they are around the same price. And, you won’t look like an idiot.
A bar like this one is very classy and fun, but you pay extra for that view.
The current state of our economy makes me wonder what’s going to happen to the drink prices at bars and clubs in New York City. I think no matter what kind of economic crisis we’re in, 20-something New Yorkers will still find a way to get out of their apartments and hit the town to go drinking, dancing, conversationalizing, and one-night-standifying. My only hope is that bars don’t raise their drink costs even more than their already overly inflated prices. I’ve often remarked that certain drink prices should be illegal in Manhattan. There is one bar I went to where a Cosmo cost me $15. FIFTEEN FUCKING DOLLARS!!! That is utterly ridiculous, not to mention completely unfair. I want to have some fun, not go into bankruptcy! One bottle of top shelf vodka costs roughly $40 at a liquor store, charging almost 1/3rd of that for one drink with one or two shots of vodka in it — plus some juice — should really be outlawed. If Mayor Bloomberg wants to run for a third term, he should put that in his campaign and I would definitely vote for him. I understand that drinking is a luxury and not a privilege but for a young, career girl in NYC going out with friends is almost as important as breathing (yes, I just compared going out to staying alive, deal with it.)
And how are we supposed to tolerate the drunken d-bags and crazy ass bitches out there without a few drinks in us? I’ve never had a good night out in Manhattan without spending at least $100 on drinks and cabs. I used to be able to get men to buy me drinks, but either the fact that I’m pushing 25 or the fact that men nowadays seem to be getting cheaper, is preventing that from happening any more. In my wise old age, I’ve realized that a free drink or two isn’t worth the mouth rape that comes when he attacks you in a drunken makeout session, or the mouth herpes that he leaves you with as a consolation prize anyway (not from personal experience, but I can learn by observing others!)
You have to be extremely drunk to put up with annoying broads like this.
I haven’t even mentioned the prices at clubs yet. High class dance clubs in Manhattan cost $20-30 just to get in the door, and that’s before you even buy a fucking drink! No wonder so many people are in the bathroom doing blow, it’s probably less expensive than buying a few more drinks (once again, just speculating.) Then, if you want to sit down at a table in the “VIP Section” to rest your blistered ass feet from the high heels you [luckily] got on sale, you better be prepared to pay another $200 for a bottle of vodka or some other liquor. That’s an 80% increase in price! Absolutely ludicrous! Yet people still go out and pay these prices just to have a good time in the big apple and let the sweat drip down their balls from the windows to the walls or whatever the hell they do. I’m not really a club girl. Not to mention the worst part of it all, those rich-ass celebrities and “socialites” that hit these clubs always drink for free, where is the justice in that!? I need to either get famous or marry rich, quick.
One of the most fun dive bars in NYC, but be prepared to hold your pee after 1am.
Thank God for dive bars. You know what I mean, you can get a good drink for $5-8 but be prepared to deal with unwashed glasses, dirty bathrooms, and guys in backwards baseball hats. Sometimes that’s a good time to be had but other times you like to feel a bit more classy. If bars raise their prices because of the current economic climate, I feel there are only two options for what to do next. Perhaps we’ll have to have a citywide boycott on going out for one or two weekends, although the alcoholics and bar sluts may not like that very much so maybe it wouldn’t work out. The second option is to go back to the days of prohibition and have throwback flapper parties in apartments and basements of brownstones. Illegal bars set up in strangers’ homes. $5 for a jack and coke, a martini, a screwdriver, etc… $2 for a beer. The people running the place are taking the risk of getting arrested for not having a liquor liscence but they would still be making a profit. In the meantime, as I pre-game I’m going to write a letter to Mayor Bloomberg promising my vote if he does something about this drink inflation problem in our fine city. Who knows, maybe someday drinks will go back to manageable prices so we can all be drunken bar whores again without the fear of going broke in a span of one hour!
Filed under: Lifestyle, Video Blogs | Tags: fat, gym, obesity, video blog, vlog
While sitting on my ass watching the presidential debate and stuffing my face with nutella that I purchased about an hour ago after two weeks of dreaming about stuffing my face with it (if you don’t know what the fuck nutella is, you clearly need to put on your running shoes and dash over to your nearest supermarket to purchase it before the place closes for the night RIGHT.THIS.INSTANT — okay, okay, after you watch the debate and my video), I remembered a “vlog” I made a few months.
I discussed two things I hate with an undying passion: being fat and going to the gym. If the American government is investing millions (if not more) to promote healthy living to the overwhelming amount of overweight citizens of this supersize-me country (and failing, at that), why can’t the government make a deal with chain gyms where they offer a discount membership to anyone who is clinically overweight?
So, before I resume watching this painfully redundant debate (OMG IMAGINE ONE OF THE TOPICS TONIGHT IS DISCOUNTED GYM MEMBERSHIPS FOR FATTIES?! I’D FLIP A SHIT AND THEN EAT IT!), I will embed this “vlog” of mine for your viewing pleasure. (The first person who gets the the correct number of times I say “um” in this video will receive absolutely nothing but the acknowledgment from myself and the other snarkotics that you are a) a good listener and b) an excellent counter.)
And yes, I am fully aware that before I whine about gyms being too expensive, I should probably put the kibosh on this nutella beasting frenzy, but it’s too fucking good to put down… PLUS I AM PMSinG (that’s always a favorite excuse of mine).
