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accordingtoalannaFiled under: Popculture, Television | Tags: Ashlee Simpson, Melrose Place
When I was 10 years old I used to sneak into my parent’s bedroom every Monday night at 10 pm and watch “Melrose Place.” My mom didn’t want me watching it for every reason that I wanted to watch it: sex, liars, hot older men and adultery galore. Back when I was 10 years old, the original cast did not include Sydney, Kimberly, or Amanda and Michael Mancini was a good husband. By the time I was 12 half of those people had faked their own deaths and had all slept with Michael. So when 17 years later the CW announces that they are bringing back “Melrose Place” I have to watch, right?
So many questions filled my head. Will there still be a sassy opening that lists the cast in alphabetical order? Will the music get rougher when the bad boy comes on like it did for the brooding Grant Show? Will some one capture my heart the way Billy (Andrew Shu) once did? Will the first episode feature a ridiculous amount of the song “Keep on Walkin” by Cece Peniston (anyone remember season 1 cast member Rhonda using the song in her aerobics class every week?) And finally I asked myself… really CW? Ashlee Simpson?? Really???
Oh you heard me correctly. Former blonde/brunette and permanent shadow stander, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz (or is it Wentz-Simpson?) stars as Violet, a sweet and innocent newcomer to Melrose Place. After a couple of minutes of her looking like she’s trying to remember her lines and staring into the camera, it becomes clear that this is no Courtney Thorn-Smith (pre- “According to Jim” of course.) Luckily, Ashlee doesn’t get camera time until the other cast members establish their roles, which is actually good because she seems to mess up the flow of every scene she’s in. And if you think I’m just being hard on her because she’s the only one with some fame pre-Melrose then you’re right. I want to see her flex the acting chops she flexed when she was a judge on “Say-What Karaoke.” I know you got it in you girl!
After a few episodes, I began to feel that the couple of Riley and Jonah (played by Jessica Lucas and Michael Rady) are a cross between the original Jane and Michael and Allison and Billy. Jonah is reminiscent of Billy in both personality and physical similarities, but is loyal the way Michael was in season 1. Jessica is relationship-phobic the way Allison once was and pretty the way Jane always was (even though they do not look alike at all, they are both beautiful girls.) I think Ella (played by Katie Cassidy) is supposed to be a weak attempt at creating an Amanda-esk character. Career oriented and a blonde bombshell but Heather Locklear, she is not. Instead, Ella comes off as annoying, demanding and slightly pathetic. There are a few worthless characters like Lauren Yung (a wanna be doctor who whore’s herself out in the first episode… literally) and Auggie Kirkpatrick (a recovering alcoholic turned chef) but there is a character with a slight twist and that is David Breck (played by Shaun Sipos.)
David Breck is a character scorned, he’s no brooding bad boy Jake, don’t misunderstand but he is slightly interesting. He’s angry and scorned by his father, Doctor Michael Mancini… dun dun dun! That’s right folks, the original Michael is back on the show. Michael and David don’t have a great relationship which would be interesting but unfortunately for this show, they don’t have a great story line either. They have both slept with Sydney (yup, THAT Sydney) and now Sydney is dead (AGAIN!) They have anger issues, abandonment issues, money issues- and yet some how it all plays out very dull on TV. I want to be interested in David and Michael’s battle but alas, I am as bored by that story line as I am by Ashlee Simpson’s music career. 
Seventeen years ago Melrose Place was edgy. Things were happening on that show that people had never seen before on television. Television was filled with “Blossom” and “the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” and Melrose brought shock value to prime time. Being sexy and edgy these days is a lot tougher. Sex isn’t taboo anymore and 10 year olds aren’t as easily drawn in. Melrose Place 2009 will have to spice things up and try something new in order to get people’s attention. It will need a super villain like Amanda, a good guy like Billy and a brooding rebel like Jake. As it stands right now, even my 10 year old self would be bored with this new Melrose Place.
Filed under: Popculture, Television | Tags: kristen cavelerri, laguna beach, lauren conrad, mtv, new york, the city, the hills, whitney port
Is it possible that MTV has finally found a show more dramatic than Laguna Beach and more vapid than The Hills? If this question was proposed to me a few months ago, I would have chuckled and flippantly waved my hand and said “oh go on” in my best Zha Zha Gabor voice. Unfortunately, if you ask me now, I would say “Yes. It’s called the City.”
The City is actually a spin-off of The Hills which is a spin-off of Laguna Beach which is a reality version of The O.C. Are you following? It’s a long line of crap we had to go through to get to The City. Never in my life did I think I would long for the days of 8th and Ocean and actually miss Kristen Cavalerri (say it with me now… STEEE-VEN.)
Whitney Port, Lauren Conrad’s former coworker and advice giver at Teen Vogue, has moved to Manhattan and took a job in publicity at Diane Von Furstenburg. Her co-worker is uber-snobby socialite Olive Palermo, and her boyfriend is a lower-eastside transplant from Australia named Jay. Whitney deals with conflicts that every New Yorker deals with… should I hang out with the peeps on the upper east side or the peeps on the lower east side? Should I take the luxury apartment in gramercy or continue to crash in my friend’s great condo in union square? Should I be nice to the girl embarrassing me in front of Manolo Blahnik or shush her? I know as a native New Yorker, I deal with problems like these EVERYDAY.
In all fairness to the producers of this show, they try to recreate similar dramas that have worked for them in the past. There is cheating, lying, betrayal… when you say it like that, it actually sounds good. It’s not. The problem is, these characters are completely unlikable. Whitney used to be the likable cast member on The Hills but as a leading lady, she falters. She seems to be really thinking about her lines, which for a reality show is not a requirement. All of her loyalty to her friends also seems forced… why befriend the past angry boss, the random skinny model AND the trust fund baby? None of these people seem to be a very good friend to you, Whit.
Her boyfriend and his roommate are the least appealing boys to yet appear on any of these faux reality shows. In the past, I never respect for Brody Jenner and Stephen Colletti but they actually were able to be cheaters and manipulate their girlfriends and still come out likable. Adam, Jay’s roommate, is not only a liar and a cheat but it seems like he has a hard time speaking coherently and being covered in pleather at the same time. Should those two things interfere? Should the latter even exist?
As for the reality of the show, well that’s laughable. Everyone knows by now that the term “reality” is used loosely. The scenes look staged, the lines seem rehearsed and the rumor mill has it that Whitney and Olivia don’t even work for DVF, they just come in once a week to film themselves at desks in the office. Some DVF employees have even been complaining that the filming disrupts the normal work flow of the office. SHOCKER.
There is one hidden gem in the show. Snobby Olivia Palermo has nothing on her hilarious super snobby cousin, Nevin. Nevin is an evil villain who at one time had a 9-5 job and his rent paid, but now crashes on Olivia’s couch (even after he previously trashed her apartment.) He spends his time stroking his small dog, judging guys on the lower east side who wear fedoras and can’t help but sport ugly shoes that are “super comf!” While he seems to have no malicious intent on the show, he does seem like the character I would vote “most likely to stroke his pet with just his ring finger and do a muah-ha-ha laugh.”
I have a strong tolerance/love for awful reality shows. If the characters are likable enough, smart enough or even just relatable, you can enjoy the show. These characters have none of these traits. The portrayal of New York City and how a young person in the city act is laughable at best and MTV should hire better writers if they are going create a faux-reality show. At the risk of sounding like every other critic of MTV, go back to music videos and stop shoving a camera up these young people’s asses. They already have a silver spoon there.
Filed under: Celebrity News, Television | Tags: Bravo, Dallas Austin, Kim, Nene Leakes, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Sheree
I am ashamed that I am about to post ANOTHER entry regarding “the Real Housewives of Atlanta” but since last time I have had a change of heart. I can’t allow people to associate me with some of the things I wrote (because you are always thinking of my opinions on Bravo shows) so I thought, with the season ending, now would be a good time to revisit and retract some things.
Am I still Team Nene? You betcha. Nene had my heart from day one. Nene kept it real. Sure she talked shit on people, especially when drinking, but she didn’t make excuses and she didn’t back down. Was she trying to launch a ridiculous singing career? No. Was she pretending to be a fashion designer? No. She was just chillin, being Nene. And you know what? It works for her. (A bra might also work for her, but that’s a different story.)
Nene has her faults of course. When she was trying to be supportive of Kim’s music, she sang that “Tardy to the Party” song way too much. She could be a tad embarrassing when drunk, as we all saw by the look that was all over her husband, Gregg’s, face. And while Nene’s charity, Twisted Hearts, was a great charity, the big hat idea left her looking not too far off from Dumb Donald from “Fat Albert.”
Am I still Team Kim? Oh haillllll no. I knew from day one that Kim had a weave on her head and Botox in her face but I thought her lies were all physical. I didn’t realize that “Big Poppa” aka her main man, was a married man. I also didn’t realize that she was going around saying she was 29. If she’s 29 then I’m five. There is no way that woman is younger than 35. You know what, I’m feeling generous; I’ll even give her 30. But in your twenties? YOU WISH.
Moving on to Kim’s singing career… where to begin… where to begin? Oh, let’s start with YOU CAN’T SING. Why is it that rich people NEED to just put out an album just because they have money burning a hole in their pocket? Attention Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Montag and Kim from the Real Housewives of Atlanta: YOU CAN’T SING. You need to be able to sing to launch a singing career! Dallas Austin and Scott Storch can only do so much. I will say though a highlight of this season was when the singing coach said to Kim, “you don’t really know what you’re doing.” Thank you!
Kim likes to say how beautiful she and Sheree are. She even goes so far in one episode to call her beauty a burden. After that quote, I sort of understood what Kim meant because her existence had become quite the burden on me.
Luckily for all of us, Nene has a fine replacement for Kim. His name is Dwight and he has the most beautiful feet ever (and they are NOT a burden to him.) He also will reveal the secret to his radiance, unlike Kim whose secret is so obviously a weave and Restalin, which is to have sex 3 times a day. Beauty isn’t a burden for Dwight but back problems may be.
Will there be a second season? I’m not certain. But Bravo will deliver us an explosive reunion episode where even “Chinese-Black” Lisa will chime in and threaten to “flip Kim over the table.” *Hope Hope.* And of course we have Kim’s album to look forward to. Oh except for the fact that Dallas Austin’s blog says he is in NO WAY producing it. Hmmm… where can I download that “Tardy in the Party” joint to hold me over?
At my home in Brooklyn, I have a 711 right down the block. The prices aren’t as high as people have joked, the owners aren’t behind bullet-proof glass and the coffee isn’t half bad. I admit though, I have a soft spot for 711. It’s the big gulp machine… it gets me every time. It’s genius. Why buy a bottle or can of soda when you can have a crisp, fresh cup of fountain soda for the same price? I’ve always adored my delicious reward for walking down the block everyday… that is… until I realized what I was missing.
They are called flavor shots and they are the greatest thing to happen to a big gulp machine since crushed ice. With any type of cola you choose, you can press a button on the machine to add a shot of lemon, vanilla, or the new love of my life, cherry. You can even limit the amount of flavor that gets added to your big gulp. If you are badass, like me, and like a LOT Of cherry added to your diet Pepsi, press the cherry button the whole time the soda is pouring. If you are a pussy, press the cherry button only when your cup is already ¾’s full. You will have just a slight kick of cherry. 
The problem is the flavor shots have not yet hit every 711. I first stumbled upon them while on vacation. Since then I have come across them in Chicago, Minnesota, Denver, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Long Island. At first my guess was, they haven’t reached the tri-state area yet. Then I began to wonder if they just weren’t available in New York. But soon I realized it’s just New York City.
How are we, the greatest city in the world, deprived of a delicious shot of vanilla in our coke? How could this be?
711 frequenters and big gulp fans everywhere, I urge you to take a good look at your big gulp machine. Is it up to par? Is it doing everything in its power to provide you a crisp delicious cup of soda that might come in any and every flavor? And if not, ask yourself, why is MY 711 a joke? Why is my 711 not taking my thirst seriously? Am I not just as thirsty as some one in Chicago?
And if your 711 is doing everything right, do yourself a favor and pour yourself a nice big cup of soda and dammit, throw in a big, hefty stream of lemon flavoring to go with it. Today is your lucky day. And as you drink that delicious lemon cola, think of me, the lone party of one, sadly drinking plain cola on their way home from the 711 down the block.
Comments telling me that you leave in New York and have a 711 by you that has flavor shots are not only welcomed, but ENCOURAGED.
Filed under: Popculture, Television | Tags: Bravo, Christian Soriano, Evander Holyfield, Kim, Nene, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Sheree, Television
Kudos to those who are so involved in the election process this year that they make it a point to watch every debate. However, for those who skipped another q and a with the candidates last Tuesday, you may have found another person to root for. I know I did. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Nene (pronounced knee-knee.)
If you don’t know who Nene is, you better get your ass onto the couch next Tuesday night at 9pm because she is the sassiest, fiercest diva on Bravo… sorry Christian Soriano fans.
The premiere episode of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” did not disappoint. While the women of the Orange County may have been the most plastic and the women of New York City may have been the snobbiest, there is no doubt that the ladies of Atlanta are living the most lavish of housewife lives. From hair salons in their home to personal fashion designers, these ladies are HIGH MAITENANCE. And my main girl, Nene, is living large, looking fab and taking no shit.
I first fell in love with Nene when they flashed her name on screen and I saw her in the background snapping her fingers in a z-formation. Nene calls her son her pooh-pooh, eats fried crab cakes instead of potatoes because she cares about her bod, and likes all eyes on the most important person in the room… which is always Nene. While getting ready for a party Nene tells her make up artist “she needs her lashes poppin’, lips bustin’ and needs to look awake even though she’s drinking.” Mmmm hmmm, I always say the secret to any good outfit is looking awake.
In a true ‘love thy own self’ moment, Nene sees her reflection in the mirror shrieks with pleasure. How many women do that when they see their reflection? I have only shrieked with fear at the sight of mine. In a world filled with girls that have self-esteem issues, isn’t it nice to see a lady just loving what god gave her?
When describing what happens when she enters a room, Nene can only make the following sounds, “mmmmm, wow, and bam!” I’m sure if the cameras continued rolling on that moment there may have been “ooohs and ahhs” as well.
Nene’s bff is Kim. Kim is everything you would want in a best girlfriend. She has a ton of money thanks to her secret boyfriend, Big Poppa (Biggie? Is that you?), a great sense of fashion (partly thanks to her personal designer) and huge double-d breasts, which, in Nene’s opinion, make her a good shimmy-er. Nene squeals “oh Kim, you shimmy real good!” when she sees Kim jiggling her chest in her new $80k escalade. The best part about Kim? She’s got Nene’s back.
Like all great princess stories, there is an evil queen trying to take our heroine down. That bitch, is Sheree (pronounced Shah-ray)
Sheree is throwing the biggest party in Atlanta and only the cream of the Atlanta crop can come. She has a publicist and boxing champion, Evander Holyfield’s, daughter working for her on the party. She even personally called Nene to invite her to the party. But guess what? When the ladies get to the party, Nene isn’t on the list. Did Evander Holyfield’s daughter tell security about that error? No. Did Sheree act humble and come out to apologize to Nene? No. Was Nene pissed? Hell yeah, it’s on now.
What does the future of this season hold for Nene? One can only assume that she will continue to look fierce, work it, put bitches in their place and have all eyes on her when she walks in the room. And, if we are lucky, Kim will shimmy some more. Nene and Kim… possibly the best ticket out there this election season.
Filed under: Movies, Popculture | Tags: Drew Seeley, movie review, Movies, Not Another Cinderella Story, Selena Gomez
Home sick on a Friday night with nothing but a box of tissues and a bowl of soup is a recipe for disaster. That was me on Friday night, and I could smell trouble brewing as I finished watching “Sex and the City: the Movie” and “Forgetting Sarah Marshall: the Unrated Version.” There was only one new movie left on my pile of movies that my boyfriend had so kindly rented for me (that’s right, we still rent from video stores. Haters, you know which way to head.) Well, I was so bed ridden, bored and lonely that I popped the DVD in the player. With that being said, I now painfully and regretfully bring you my review of “Another Cinderella Story.”
The first question I had to ask myself is why are we making another one of these? Wasn’t the Hilary Duff/Chad Michael Murray one enough? It wasn’t exactly box office gold and it didn’t exactly soar in DVD sales. We didn’t need another one. And how old is Drew Seeley? Homeboy looks a bit old to play a high school prince charming. He’s certainly handsome enough to be prince charming, but a high school version? If Zac Efron is out of your price range, can’t we at least get Corbin Bleu?
The story starts to follow the classic tale. Step-sisters, step-mother, slave to family, dreams of going to the ball… yadda yadda yadda. Then after the ball, when the prince finds his princess, there’s an addition to the story. Cinderella is then set up to find Prince Charming cheating on her with one of the bullies at school. Wait, that never happened in the original. Why are we dealing with that now? Why mangle a classic with a random story line that doesn’t fit? After dealing with that minor brain-fart, a dance off ensues and our beloved Cinderella lives happily ever after and Warner Brothers now owes me 90 minutes of my life back.
The attempts to make this classic modern are also extremely nauseating. Instead of a pumpkin turning into a chariot, Cinderella’s bff drives an old orange van named pumpkin. Instead of leaving her glass slipper behind, Cinderella leaves her Zune behind (couldn’t get the rights to use an IPod?) And instead of having to try on a glass slipper, girls have to guess the Zune’s most played songs. If only I had guessed Pon de Replay, I too, could have been the one with Drew Seeley. *Sigh*
The one diamond in the rough of this movie is Selena Gomez. While her acting is just ok, and her singing is mediocre at best, she does possess a certain charm about her. She has that ability to make you like her, despite the fact that she is in the worst remake of Cinderella ever and that she has no characteristics of a traditional Cinderella. Instead of being meek and easy to walk all over, she is sassy and sneaky. Instead of being tall, blonde and blue-eyed; she is average height, black hair and brown-eyed. There’s no denying that she’s a beautiful girl, but her personality makes her relatable to young girls. She actually seems like a normal girl who just happened to get lucky. Maybe art does imitate life.
If you’re reading this website, this movie is not for you. However, if you have a 10 year old little sister/daughter/etc, it is for them. Don’t get yourself into the situation I found myself in. Join Netflix and order yourself the Disney Animated version. And take your vitamins; nobody wants to be sick on a Friday night.
Filed under: Popculture, Television | Tags: Bravo, Fashion, Kenley Collins, Nina Garcia, Project Runway, Tim Gunn
After five seasons of “Project Runway,” you would think that this loyal fan would be used to whiney, overly confident, stubborn brats. I don’t mind attitude, it is something that comes with fashion. Last season’s winner, Christian Soriano was filled with sass and attitude and he was great. But sass on the runway and being a brat on the runway are two completely different things, and the latter… well it’s on my last nerve. Kenley Collins is no Christian Soriano. Kenley seems like a more likely fit for “My Super Sweet 16″ than “Project Runway.” Can we exile her?
That’s not fair of me. Kenley Collins is a decent designer. She has the potential to do great work, but for the time being she is turning in average designs. Her pieces are simple, cute, and easy to wear. But they are all vintage dresses and look great on some one that dresses like… well, Kenley Collins. There is nothing innovative about her styles.
Since the show started Kenley has not yet wowed this viewer once. Even in the “Avant-garde challenge,” Kenley’s idea of avant-garde was a puffed up version of her standard vintage dress. Kenley’s ability to progress this far in the competition is solely based on the fact that other designers have faltered much worse, while Kenley continues to submit the same average pieces.
Kenley’s simple vintage dresses would not be so bad if Kenley would stop being obnoxious. To send a vintage dress down the runway during the job interview challenge is fine, to send it down the runway during the “lipstick jungle” challenge is lame. But, if she admitted fault and learned from her mistake, it wouldn’t seem so bad. Not only won’t she accept her shortcomings in challenges, but she also back talks all the judges and tells them they are wrong. You’re right, Nina Garcia doesn’t know fashion like you do. Elle Magazine is only one of the biggest fashion magazines in the world and she’s the editor.
Kenley laughs at other contestants when they do poorly, complains that she is not given enough time to do a better job (everyone is given the same amount of time) and is loud in the workroom while everybody is trying to concentrate. But the worst part of Kenley Collins, the part that will certainly not win her the fan favorite award this season, is her rude attitude towards our beloved Tim Gunn.
After five seasons of the show, I still wonder why contestants do not take Tim Gunn’s advice. In case you haven’t noticed, designers, he’s always right with his suggestions. And yet, Kenley constantly let’s his good advice fall to the wayside. More over, she asks, “what does Tim know anyway?” Well, Kenley, as a man who was randomly discovered for the show only to become the star, managed to parlay his appearances on the show into a career with Liz Claiborne and has his own show entirely, I would say he knows a bit. What store did you say you designed for again? Wal-mart? It’s time to start listening to Tim Gunn.
I’m amazed that this week’s stubbornness didn’t get Kenley sent home. This bratty vintage suburban girl actually snapped at LL Cool J that she knew what hip-hop was. That might work if you are arguing with Martha Stewart about what hip-hop is but I’m pretty sure LL knows what he’s talking about. (Actually, Martha probably knows more too. I mean she is friends with Diddy and Busta.) Twenty years of being a hip-hop artist will teach you a few things about hip-hop style.
Next week the final three for Bryant Park will be decided. While I don’t think this is the strongest season yet, I definitely think that there is talent there. Kenley Collins is not it. It’s a sad day in fashion when you actually want some one to lose the attitude.
Oh yeah and Team Karto!
