MOVIEW REVIEW: Twilight (more like Twatlight)

DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK!

November 22, 2008 @ 12:34PM

I was introduced to Twilight earlier this year when the movie began filming and the psychotic Twilight moms began stalking the set on a daily basis with their infants and toddlers fully in tow. I had absolutely no idea what the book series was about, nor did I really care; I was just amused by the fan base the film was attracting: Housewives and Fat chicks. And not just ANY housewives and fat chicks, but FUCKING CRAZY housewives and fat chicks! The kind of crazies that read fantasy novels and write slash fiction on LiveJournal. The kind that live vicariously through fictional characters that embody perfection and everything that their husbands (or lack thereof) do not possess. The kind that devour anything with a fluffy soft-core premise that provokes absolutely no thought or profundity, because THAT is the kind of shit that gives them a small inkling of hope for simplicity, happiness, weight-loss and a cure for that pesky drinking problem that began when little Jimmy was born… And that hope lied in Twilight (which I was later informed was like a 9th grade level Anne Rice novel).

Slowly but surely, the book series began to spread like wildfire (even beyond the original demographic), and I found myself with a bunch of friends (neither fat, moms or crazy) who had jumped on the bandwagon as well. These said friends even gave me the first two books in hopes of converting me into one of them. I was hesitant at first, but decided to cave in and give this human/vampire love story a chance. I mean, after all, something with this much craze must be brilliant, right?

Well, after reading book 1, it not only reconfirmed that there will always be trash that will be praised no matter how unsubstantial it is, but I realized that I wasn’t like the Twilight fatties at all; I actually preferred to eat fluff rather than read it! I kept turning each page waiting to feast on some depth, but by the time I forcefully turned to the last page, I found myself still hungry, but reluctant for seconds.

I was disappointed in myself for not loving this book and knew that in result, my friends would probably disown me. But luckily, there was still a chance – the movie had a lot of buzz, which gave me some anticipation and a little bit of extra time to savor the memory of what it’s like to actually have friends. Despite the shitty trailers and questionable casting, I was PUMPED! I mean, after all, something with this much craze must be brilliant, right? RIGHT?!

Wrong. Oh, so, so, so very wrong…

November 22, 2008 @ 4:56PM

It is actually taking me all day to write this damn Twilight movie review. I originally got distracted by Newsies, which was playing on Showtime (I forgot just how good Christian Bale was in this movie), but then when I mustered enough energy to turn the TV off to begin my writing, I didn’t even know where to start. Usually when I am heated about something, the words spill out in one sitting, but this time I was experiencing something beyond writer’s block… This time, it was second-hand embarrassment.

I began to pity everyone involved with the production of the movie, including the lovely people who catered on the set and the poor PA’s who took the gig thinking this would be their ticket to Hollywood. I especially began feeling awful for the tens upon thousands of fans who gathered in the freezing cold Thursday night – dressed to the nines with their “Team Edward Cullen” get-up – in order to get prime seating at the midnight showing, because they had absolutely no idea that their beloved Twilight was turned into a glorified after school special.

Hold that thought; I have to go out for dinner. BBL.

November 22, 2008 @ 10:05PM

While sitting at Applebee’s and munching on my mozzarella sticks (they were quite delish, thanks for asking), the thought of writing this review kept lingering in the back of my mind and I knew I just had to get it over with in one sitting when I got home… So without any further distractions, here it is:

The Acting
Kristen Stewart looked like she was about to either fall asleep in every scene or have an asthma attack with the heavy breathing she kept doing. Her portrayal of Bella lacked the awkwardness and sense of humor that I actually kind of liked about her in the book, and the delivery of the very few jokes she did have was monotone, to say the least. It was like watching a poor imitation of MTV’s Daria.

Robert Pattinson hurried through many lines (like the cafeteria scene by the salad bar) and delivered the rest like a stoned James Dean. The charming Edward Cullen from the book was not present at all in the movie. The only thing Pattinson delivered with was his devilishly cute grin… oh, and his overall hotness. I guess all of the females on the set were too busy swooning to pay attention to how stiff his performance was (that’s what she said). In other words, he did not dazzle me as much as I thought he would.

The acting was wooden and unemotional. I felt little to no chemistry between the two actors. It was as if they were just reciting their lines so they could get paid and move on to an indie flick to gain some street cred.

The Script
Screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg combined many scenes and even added new ones to the mix, but she forgot the most essential piece of the story: THE POINT! Even though there is very little character development in the book, I slightly understood why Bella and Edward were so enamored by one another, however in the movie, the die-hard love was so sudden that it was tough to understand where the worship came from and WHY Bella HAD to stay with Edward. Rossenberg clearly wrote this script with only the people who read the book in mind, which is a big no-no for theatrical releases. But hey, this woman also wrote several episodes of The O.C., so I shouldn’t have expected a Gone With The Wind from her.

Also, can I just add that if one of Bella’s reasoning’s for Edwards’ vampire-esque behavior is because he talks like he’s from another time, then why exactly would you have Edward reference GOOGLE in an earlier scene? Not every vampire can be as timely as Count Dracula!

The Direction
Catherine Hardwicke is a nutjob. She needs to realize that not every movie is going to look cool with a shaky camera and extreme close-ups. Almost every scene consisted of a moment of silence while the camera zoomed slowly on the characters’ faces, which was meant to imply their desire for each other, but instead looked more like the beginning of a sex scene in a porno (sans the “bow chicka bow wow” music, although the music playing during those scenes wasn’t any better).

Hardwicke also took it upon herself to create the most heinous flashback scenes I have ever seen. They were sepia-colored, skewed and just really cheesy attempts at trying to be serious business. It was all so corny and ridiculous that I missed the dialogue because I couldn’t stop laughing. She also inserted several montages that were neither here nor there. My favorite ‘flashback’ was probably the one that consisted of Bella and a guyliner-wearing Edward dressed in Victorian outfits while staring seductively into space. This was shown while Bella was researching vampires online. Was it supposed to be Bella’s imagination or just a random montage thrown in for dramatic affect? Even if it was either of the two, it still failed to be necessary. If you’re going to have a flashback of Bella and Edward in a specific era while Bella is reading about all of the various worldly Vampire myths, why not flash through several periods of time rather than focus on the one that is the most cliché? Uh-huh, Hardwicke, think about that while you cackle all the way to the bank.

The Other Stuff That Really Bugged Me
-I don’t care how great of an actress Nikki Reed is, she should not have been Rosalie. There was no way you could successfully turn a chick with very dark features into a pale blonde bombshell. With the caked-on powder, Reed looked more like one of the Wayans brothers in White Chicks than the most beautiful girl in the world. (Don’t even get me started on how ridiculous Jasper looked and acted.)

-I’m all about diversity, but when you have a token Asian and African-American in a movie that is supposed to take place in a bumblefuck town with a population of 3,000, it’s really hard for me to see the difference between Forks and Phoenix, where Bella is originally from. I also spotted a goth playing a waitress in the movie! Hey Forks, New York City called, they want their residents back.

-Now, Bella is supposed to be a very dry-humored character whose jokes often got brushed to the side and misunderstood by her fellow classmates, but Justin Chon, who played Eric and the token Asian, stole her thunder! He was obnoxiously funny, but boy was he quite the comic relief! I was waiting for him to look into the camera and tell us that the he’ll be here all week and to try the veal.

I will end my blotchy review with one last peeve: the Score. It reminded me of the generic and dramatic guitar-induced music that you’d often hear on shows like Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place. And this brings me to my final thought…

Twilight felt like a made-for-basic-cable-TV movie. The entire vibe was cheesy, wooden and insignificant. After watching the movie, I now have a newfound appreciation for the actual book (but don’t get your panties all twisted, I still am not a fan). It’s a shame this movie was made by a predominantly female crew, because these broads give aspiring filmmakers like myself a bad rep.

November 22, 2008 @ 10:49PM

…and there go most of my friends.