Melrose Place 2009 Stands in the Shadow of the Original

When I was 10 years old I used to sneak into my parent’s bedroom every Monday night at 10 pm and watch “Melrose Place.” My mom didn’t want me watching it for every reason that I wanted to watch it: sex, liars, hot older men and adultery galore. Back when I was 10 years old, the original cast did not include Sydney, Kimberly, or Amanda and Michael Mancini was a good husband. By the time I was 12 half of those people had faked their own deaths and had all slept with Michael. So when 17 years later the CW announces that they are bringing back “Melrose Place” I have to watch, right?

So many questions filled my head. Will there still be a sassy opening that lists the cast in alphabetical order? Will the music get rougher when the bad boy comes on like it did for the brooding Grant Show? Will some one capture my heart the way Billy (Andrew Shu) once did? Will the first episode feature a ridiculous amount of the song “Keep on Walkin” by Cece Peniston (anyone remember season 1 cast member Rhonda using the song in her aerobics class every week?) And finally I asked myself… really CW? Ashlee Simpson?? Really???

Oh you heard me correctly. Former blonde/brunette and permanent shadow stander, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz (or is it Wentz-Simpson?) stars as Violet, a sweet and innocent newcomer to Melrose Place. After a couple of minutes of her looking like she’s trying to remember her lines and staring into the camera, it becomes clear that this is no Courtney Thorn-Smith (pre- “According to Jim” of course.) Luckily, Ashlee doesn’t get camera time until the other cast members establish their roles, which is actually good because she seems to mess up the flow of every scene she’s in. And if you think I’m just being hard on her because she’s the only one with some fame pre-Melrose then you’re right. I want to see her flex the acting chops she flexed when she was a judge on “Say-What Karaoke.” I know you got it in you girl!

After a few episodes, I began to feel that the couple of Riley and Jonah (played by Jessica Lucas and Michael Rady) are a cross between the original Jane and Michael and Allison and Billy. Jonah is reminiscent of Billy in both personality and physical similarities, but is loyal the way Michael was in season 1. Jessica is relationship-phobic the way Allison once was and pretty the way Jane always was (even though they do not look alike at all, they are both beautiful girls.) I think Ella (played by Katie Cassidy) is supposed to be a weak attempt at creating an Amanda-esk character. Career oriented and a blonde bombshell but Heather Locklear, she is not. Instead, Ella comes off as annoying, demanding and slightly pathetic. There are a few worthless characters like Lauren Yung (a wanna be doctor who whore’s herself out in the first episode… literally) and Auggie Kirkpatrick (a recovering alcoholic turned chef) but there is a character with a slight twist and that is David Breck (played by Shaun Sipos.)

David Breck is a character scorned, he’s no brooding bad boy Jake, don’t misunderstand but he is slightly interesting. He’s angry and scorned by his father, Doctor Michael Mancini… dun dun dun! That’s right folks, the original Michael is back on the show. Michael and David don’t have a great relationship which would be interesting but unfortunately for this show, they don’t have a great story line either. They have both slept with Sydney (yup, THAT Sydney) and now Sydney is dead (AGAIN!) They have anger issues, abandonment issues, money issues- and yet some how it all plays out very dull on TV. I want to be interested in David and Michael’s battle but alas, I am as bored by that story line as I am by Ashlee Simpson’s music career.  

Seventeen years ago Melrose Place was edgy. Things were happening on that show that people had never seen before on television. Television was filled with “Blossom” and “the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” and Melrose brought shock value to prime time. Being sexy and edgy these days is a lot tougher. Sex isn’t taboo anymore and 10 year olds aren’t as easily drawn in. Melrose Place 2009 will have to spice things up and try something new in order to get people’s attention. It will need a super villain like Amanda, a good guy like Billy and a brooding rebel like Jake. As it stands right now, even my 10 year old self would be bored with this new Melrose Place.

Taylor Swift: It’s My Concert & I’ll Bitch About Boys If I Want To

We’ve all held grudges longer than necessary. I’ve fallen victim to that more times than I can possibly imagine. I’ve forgiven, but not forgotten; I’ve gotten mad and then even; I’ve killed them with kindness; I’ve even reverted to my belief of karma as my only hope for revenge. Eventually though, I get over it and move on. Taylor Swift, on the other hand, doesn’t. Instead, she builds an entire persona, or brand, if you will, around her grudges. She calls it ‘fearless,’ but I just call it bitter (with a hint of overkill).

Taylor Swift performed at Madison Square Garden on August 27, 2009 to a sold out crowd of 20,000. The concert was part of her ‘Fearless’ tour, which has been one of the most sought-after tours for females this summer — sort of like what Lillith Fair was in the 90s, except with more shaven armpits and cowboy boots with sparkly skirts.

Despite my lack of appreciation for Taylor Swift and her music, I attended her concert in support of my friend who is a huge fan (but I won’t judge her, since I like some really questionable things myself). And believe it or not, I found myself knowing more Swift songs than I’d like to admit (when I was actually able  tell them apart).

Taylor Swift definitely knows how to get girls riled up and cheer for the underdog, which in this case, are themselves. With a full back-up band and two back-up singers to boot, she sang her broken heart out for an hour and a half while reminding everyone every chance she could that boys do indeed suck.

In between each song, Taylor took a long deep breath – gazing out into the sea of estrogen – and told one of four poignant tales: the one where she was ignored by her High School crush, the one where she was cheated on by her boyfriend, the one where she burned his pictures (which I highly doubt she actually did; she probably just untagged him on Facebook), the one where he will get what he deserves, or – my favorite — the one where she still believes in fairy tales, but realizes that “prince charming isn’t as easy to find as [she] thought… and in real life, the bad guy is actually really, really cute.” (Oh, I see… Thanks for the heads up, girl.)

Ya know, it’s pretty ironic (and hard to believe) that she has been screwed over by so many guys in the past, considering she is only 19-years-old, takes pride in being wholesome and is a firm believer of fairy tales. But, at least all of this supposed heartbreak inspires her to write mediocre songs in hopes of empowering former sluts, current prudes and those who are still resentful about the one that got away… And because of Taylor Swift’s redundant rants and words of wisdom (I get it, it’s her gimmick), they now know better than to get involved with bad boys. (Or at least nice guys who happen to buy you a toaster for your birthday, as shown in “Crimes of Passion,” a sketch video that played during a set change depicting Taylor’s many male muses. It was an obvious joke, but I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.)

Swift’s stage presence was very endearing and definitely better than I predicted, but it was still quite theatrical and contrived (not like I expected any different from such a huge production). She strutted her stuff, booty popped, head-banged, fluffed her hair, batted her eyes and paused in “awe” of the crowd at the most precise times during the show. “I will remember this night for as long as I live. I will never, ever, forget what you just did for me,” she said in sheer amazement as the crowd went bananas for almost two minutes (apparently 30 seconds longer than at most of her shows – wow, weren’t we the lucky ones). I have to say though, those two minutes were awesome to witness, even if they weren’t entirely authentic – I love attending concerts at Madison Square Garden for that very reason; seeing musicians get overwhelmed with emotion standing in such a historic stadium gives even me chills.

There were two outstanding moments of the show that I would go as far as to say were my favorites of the night. One was when Taylor went into the audience (all the way up to the second mezzanine, which at MSG, is pretty high) and performed a couple of songs from that section and then moved her way down to the floor (with four bodyguards surrounding her, prepared to tackle any single white female that got in their way). It made being in such a huge arena intimate and sincere (and also hooked the people in the nosebleeds up with a pretty good view).

My second favorite moment was at the very end of ‘Should’ve Said No’ when it began to “rain” on stage with Taylor underneath it — getting soaked and wet — as the water spelled out words like “No.” (see this video for the visual.) Funny, The Jonas Brothers also make it “rain” on stage at their concerts, except with hearts engraved in the water. I hope Taylor gets the memo and bitches about it at her next show. (Oh, those heartless bad boys!)

A memorable mention: The many costume changes — The show kicked off with Taylor and her crew dressed as a High School marching band and chearleaders ala the ‘You Belong With Me’ music video and later went back in time to the Rennessaince period ala ‘Love Story.’ Even on top of the extravagant costumes, Taylor’s personal wardrobe changed a good five or six times during the duration of the concert. I felt like I was watching Sarah Jessica Parker host MTVs Movie Awards circa 2000 all over again. (Don’t get the reference? My apologies, I’ll try to be more dated next time.)

My least favorite part of the show (besides the constant reminder from Taylor Swift that she will write a song about you if you so much as break up with her in a 27 second phone call, or just not like her back) was this bizarre pseudo-drum duel between her and the violinist during the encore. The drums were designed to look like stacked garbage cans, but were completely irrelevant to not only the song they were leading up to (‘Should’ve Said No’), but the entire theme of the show. To make matters worse, they weren’t even actually drumming! They each would bang once on the drums then dramatically fall to the floor or sway their heads in slow motion while creepy background music played. (Like oh-my-god, maybe the violinist was playing the chick that TayTay’s ex cheated on her with and the garbage drums were representing like—wait, no, you lost me at garbage drums.) The light scheme during this performance was blue accompanied by clouds on the screen, signifying only what I can assume is… I have absolutely no fucking idea! If they were trying to gain street-cred with this segment, they failed. Not even Oscar the Grouch would be amused. It left me absolutely perplexed, but perhaps someone can enlighten me on its significance… anyone… anyone? Bueller?

I do want to say that I was thoroughly entertained by the entire spectacle and liked the experience of seeing the number one selling artist of 2009 live in concert. My friend — who I went to the show with — said to me afterwards, “Where was Taylor Swift when I was growing up?” And that’s when it hit me; Swift is representing bubble-gum tween angst for the Z-generation… I can only just hope these girls graduate to Fiona Apple when their broken hearts and unhappily ever after fairy tales are all grown up. But for now, I guess they’ll just have to idolize a run-of-the-mill songstress whose entire shtick is to hold miniscule grudges for the sake of selling out places like Madison Square Garden.

‘The Hills’ East Makes Us Long For Music Videos Again

Is it possible that MTV has finally found a show more dramatic than Laguna Beach and more vapid than The Hills? If this question was proposed to me a few months ago, I would have chuckled and flippantly waved my hand and said “oh go on” in my best Zha Zha Gabor voice. Unfortunately, if you ask me now, I would say “Yes. It’s called the City.”

The City is actually a spin-off of The Hills which is a spin-off of Laguna Beach which is a reality version of The O.C. Are you following? It’s a long line of crap we had to go through to get to The City. Never in my life did I think I would long for the days of 8^th and Ocean and actually miss Kristen Cavalerri (say it with me now… STEEE-VEN.)

Whitney Port, Lauren Conrad’s former coworker and advice giver at Teen Vogue, has moved to Manhattan and took a job in publicity at Diane Von Furstenburg. Her co-worker is uber-snobby socialite Olive Palermo, and her boyfriend is a lower-eastside transplant from Australia named Jay. Whitney deals with conflicts that every New Yorker deals with… should I hang out with the peeps on the upper east side or the peeps on the lower east side? Should I take the luxury apartment in gramercy or continue to crash in my friend’s great condo in union square? Should I be nice to the girl embarrassing me in front of Manolo Blahnik or shush her? I know as a native New Yorker, I deal with problems like these EVERYDAY.

In all fairness to the producers of this show, they try to recreate similar dramas that have worked for them in the past. There is cheating, lying, betrayal… when you say it like that, it actually sounds good. It’s not. The problem is, these characters are completely unlikable. Whitney used to be the likable cast member on The Hills but as a leading lady, she falters. She seems to be really thinking about her lines, which for a reality show is not a requirement. All of her loyalty to her friends also seems forced… why befriend the past angry boss, the random skinny model AND the trust fund baby? None of these people seem to be a very good friend to you, Whit.

Her boyfriend and his roommate are the least appealing boys to yet appear on any of these faux reality shows. In the past, I never respect for Brody Jenner and Stephen Colletti but they actually were able to be cheaters and manipulate their girlfriends and still come out likable. Adam, Jay’s roommate, is not only a liar and a cheat but it seems like he has a hard time speaking coherently and being covered in pleather at the same time. Should those two things interfere? Should the latter even exist?

As for the reality of the show, well that’s laughable. Everyone knows by now that the term “reality” is used loosely. The scenes look staged, the lines seem rehearsed and the rumor mill has it that Whitney and Olivia don’t even work for DVF, they just come in once a week to film themselves at desks in the office. Some DVF employees have even been complaining that the filming disrupts the normal work flow of the office. SHOCKER.

There is one hidden gem in the show. Snobby Olivia Palermo has nothing on her hilarious super snobby cousin, Nevin. Nevin is an evil villain who at one time had a 9-5 job and his rent paid, but now crashes on Olivia’s couch (even after he previously trashed her apartment.) He spends his time stroking his small dog, judging guys on the lower east side who wear fedoras and can’t help but sport ugly shoes that are “super comf!” While he seems to have no malicious intent on the show, he does seem like the character I would vote “most likely to stroke his pet with just his ring finger and do a muah-ha-ha laugh.”

I have a strong tolerance/love for awful reality shows. If the characters are likable enough, smart enough or even just relatable, you can enjoy the show. These characters have none of these traits. The portrayal of New York City and how a young person in the city act is laughable at best and MTV should hire better writers if they are going create a faux-reality show. At the risk of sounding like every other critic of MTV, go back to music videos and stop shoving a camera up these young people’s asses. They already have a silver spoon there.

Just Some Whiskey Business

I really don’t know what’s funnier: Josephine, an angry grandma who keeps yelling obscenities while trying to find her bottle of whiskey from last night, her grandson who is behind the camera instigating like the sassy son-of-a-b*tch that he is (or a “f*ckin’ sissy bastard,” as Grandma Josephine calls him before doing a little jig to further emphasize that her grandson is a sissy and perhaps dances like a girl), the fact that I had the time to notice the empty shelves and large Fed-Ex box in the living room and wonder why said shelves were empty and what was in that box (my guess is a sweet TV set that Grandma Josephine probably destroyed during another one of her tantrums), or an appearance from Grams Jo’ at the end of the video shamelessly asking people to subscribe to her YouTube page? (I’m pretty sure her sassy girly-dancing grandson threatened to hide another bottle of whiskey if she didn’t do it.)

And while I was laughing at this video and feeling awful all at once (terrible clusterf*ck of emotions right there), I wondered just how long it would take for an intervention to kick in; there are just so many starter jackets that Jo can keep throwing at her grandson to shut him up and hand over the bottle.

Call me selfish, but I would love this woman to grace A&E’s Intervention. How absolutely epic would that episode be (alright, maybe not epic, but awesome – yes)? They don’t even need to hire a camera crew! They can just ask Sassy McSasserson to film it.

Man, I’m by no means supporting alcoholism, but if it gives me good TV, I’m all about it!

(Just kidding guys, I only support those with addictions to computer dust removers.)

A List That Will Get You More Gays Than Kathy Griffin

If there is any group of people who are kicking 2009 off on a good note, it’s the celebrities that gays go absolutely bat sh*t crazy over. Example: Lady Gaga went from being a drag queen-looking chick with allergies to pants to a legitimate #1 artist, Liza Minelli went from being married to an ogre and having a semi-anti-climactic comeback on Arrested Development to being a Broadway star all over again, Beyoncé went from being herself as Beyoncé to being herself as Sasha Fierce (quite possibly the most unnecessary alter-ego since Chris Gaines, but at least this b*tch provided us with the fiercest viral phenomenon yet) and Oprah is back on the weight loss bandwagon and there ain’t no stoppin’ her! It might be too soon to say, but gosh darn it I’ll say it anyway: Gay Icons could quite possibly be having the best kickoff to a New Year ever!!!

But what does it take to actually be embraced by a community that is not only fabulous, but also picky and willing to turn their backs on you if you just so much as peep a negative word about Britney’s comeback? I decided to put on my faux fur parka and silky weave and hit the streets of the Internet to figure out exactly what it takes to become a Gay Icon, so you can be on your way to becoming this:

1) Fashion Don’ts Are Your Best Friend: Seriously, if there’s a warrant out for your arrest by the fashion police, then keep on hiding from the po-po, because the gays need you in their lives. Remember, being a hot mess is still a compliment.

2) Hard Knock Life: It seems as though many Gay Icons were outcasts as children (see: Oprah, Christina Aguilera, and Victoria Beckham). If you were once an ugly duckling or jumped by your entire 4th grade class, then wipe those tears away because honey, you’re almost there!

3) Potty Mouth Trained: Bette Midler, Cyndi Lauper, Cher, Joan Crawford, Kathy Griffin, Rosie O’Donnell and Madonna are all broads who have put many Sailors out of business with their impressive swearing skills. Practice using f*ck, sh*t and motherf*cker in the same sentence and you’ll be on your way.

4) Drink Up: The classiest Gay Icons were also closeted drunks. Go raid your grandma’s liquor cabinet for that old sh*t; you’ll instantly feel like an incarnation of Judy Garland (R.I.P. baby girl)

5) Here Comes the Bride… Again: Either they’ve been married more than once or they’ve been in long-term relationships that are all shades of what-the-f*ck (if Chris Hansen existed in the 80s, he would’ve been telling Celine Dion’s manager-turned-husband to “have a seat”). If you prefer to be an independent woman, go get yourself a Stedman.
6) Don’t Give a Rats Ass: After struggling with a stint of hardships, the key attitude to have is one that doesn’t give a f*ck. If you have to shave your head and release an album whilst in rehab or talk smack on other celebrities whilst moving up from the D-list, just do it.

7) Get What You Want: Not all gay icons have to automatically be divas, but many are (J.Lo, I’m looking at you, homegirl). If you need that dressing room to be covered in chocolate, dandelions or horse urine, you demand that crap until some poor helpless underpaid shmuck gets it for you!

8) That’s Fat, Yo!: You have to go through some chubby/overweight/child-bearing hips stage at some point in your career. So grab the Cheetos now and worry about being sponsored by Jenny Craig later.

9) Fierce is Not a Word, it’s a Lifestyle: If you call yourself fierce, then you’re everything but. Wait until others coin you “fierce” before you start throwing that word around like you’re a Tyra Banks with turrets.

10) Talent or Bust: You MUST be talented in your field of work to actually even be given the time of day by the gay community. You can have as many rehab stints, divorces, tacky outfits and weight issues, but if you’re not a true performer, you’re ass is dunzo.

Do you hear that? I’m pretty sure it’s the sound of Kathy Griffin’s gays knocking on your door.

Golden Globes: Drunk Celebrities In Their Natural Habitat

Ahh, the Golden Globes. Opening day in a month-long masturbatory spectacular that Hollywood feels it deserves regardless of the actual quality of product it delivers every year. I’m going to be honest, I haven’t seen any of the high art movies this year, mostly because I am unemployed and waiting for a day I can devote solely to theater-hopping, but apparently, from last night’s results, this year is all about Bollywood and Kate Winslet. And TV I actually like.

Let’s start with Kate Winslet. I will admit that she is one of the high-octane actresses I pity. It’s hard to pity any of them, when they have stretched and sanded skin and bone structures a cat could envy, but I do manage to find a little sympathy for the underrated. I hated Titanic, but felt kind of bad when Helen Hunt won the Oscar for Best Actress over her. (Whatever happened to her, anyway?) And since then, she’s pretty much been on a roll. She’s one of the few actresses who manages to play more than one role (I’m lookin’ at you, Cameron), and both Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Little Children would have suffered without her. So sure. Give her an award. Hell, give her two, why not? Also, I will forever admire her for admitting how ultimately forgettable Angelina Jolie is. But Angelina seemed too cranked to mind anyway, so everyone wins.

Next, Bollywood. Or Mumbai. Yes, I am an ethno-centric American who hasn’t seen Slumdog Millionaire. My only familiarity with it, in fact, is that it was directed by the same guy who gratiously revealed Cillian Murphy’s junk to the world in 28 Days Later. So obviously, I’m already a fan of this guy. I never thought Who Wants to Be a Millionaire would be relevant again once Meredith Viera ushered it into syndication. I was wrong.

Finally, TV. I love 30 Rock. I love Mad Men. I love award shows that Tina Fey attends because her acceptance speeches always bring a sparkle to my day. Imagine my disappointment when she let a perpetually drunk Tracy Morgan deliver it instead. To be fair, I’ve been waiting for someone to call out Cate Blanchette’s obvious racism. That Aryan bitch. This means, however, that I’m forced to be glad that she won Best Actress in a Comedy Series just so I could hear her snap, crackle, and pop. And what did she do? Told a bunch of stupid internet trolls to “Suck it.” Damnit, Tina, even though they undoubtedly used language like “TINA FAY SUX 4EVER” and “I CULD RIGHT BETTER THEN THIS BICH,” you’ve got to keep the quality of your snark high. If you sink to their level, you’re only letting them win.

Like any awards show, it was about 90% boring, 5% heart-wrenching, and 5% infuriating. Why the hell didn’t Jon Hamm win for Mad Men? I guess because he’s so damn good-looking he doesn’t really have to do anything except brood, furrow his eyebrows, and suck suggestively on cigarettes. All right, so maybe 3% infuriating and 2% awe-inspiring. Why did it appear like the celebrities weren’t eating anything? Are they like vampires, who maintain the illusion of humanity with empty plates and dishes? I did see some wine and Voss bottles. Apparently they all maintain those skeletal frames through a carefully designed liquid diet. Liquor, water, and the blood of virgins. Take note, American youth.

The Bailouts By the Numbers

every american currently has 15,330 of these invested in bailouts.

Howdy, kids! I know, I know…long time, no post.  I’m sorry. And I’m sure you’re all on the very edge of your seats wondering about the current recession and economic crisis! Well, have no fear. I’m here to fuel your rage about the whole thing  just a little bit more.

Let’s take a look at the recent government “investments”, or as I like to call them “bailouts for companies that should have just fallen by the wayside thanks to market evolution and a laissez faire approach to economy, but what do I know.”

Following the Citigroup bailout (and not counting the loan of probably about $15b to the automakers), the total “cost” the government has enacted is $4.61 TRILLION.  That means, if we’re simply going by population numbers, that 100 percent of the income of EVERY citizen, including children, makes here in the good ol’ US of A for 3.9 months has been given to floundering companies by our fearless leaders. This means that every single one of American, yes, you too, have $15,330 invested in various failing companies. Congratulations! Your “You Lose, Sucka!” bumper sticker is in the mail.

If $4.61 trillion is still too big of a sum to break down in your head, here’s another way to look at things. With costs adjusted for inflation, the bailout as it stands is about $1 trillion MORE than the government spending on all of these COMBINED: Marshall Plan,  Louisiana Purchase, Savings and Loan Crisis, Korean War, New Deal, Invasion of Iraq, Vietnam War and NASA.

Keep that in mind as you watch your investments flounder, your colleagues get laid off and your taxes increase (in the next few years) while Wall St. CEOs contemplate taking or leaving their multi-million dollar bonuses this year.

MOVIEW REVIEW: Twilight (more like Twatlight)

DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK!

November 22, 2008 @ 12:34PM

I was introduced to Twilight earlier this year when the movie began filming and the psychotic Twilight moms began stalking the set on a daily basis with their infants and toddlers fully in tow. I had absolutely no idea what the book series was about, nor did I really care; I was just amused by the fan base the film was attracting: Housewives and Fat chicks. And not just ANY housewives and fat chicks, but FUCKING CRAZY housewives and fat chicks! The kind of crazies that read fantasy novels and write slash fiction on LiveJournal. The kind that live vicariously through fictional characters that embody perfection and everything that their husbands (or lack thereof) do not possess. The kind that devour anything with a fluffy soft-core premise that provokes absolutely no thought or profundity, because THAT is the kind of shit that gives them a small inkling of hope for simplicity, happiness, weight-loss and a cure for that pesky drinking problem that began when little Jimmy was born… And that hope lied in Twilight (which I was later informed was like a 9th grade level Anne Rice novel).

Slowly but surely, the book series began to spread like wildfire (even beyond the original demographic), and I found myself with a bunch of friends (neither fat, moms or crazy) who had jumped on the bandwagon as well. These said friends even gave me the first two books in hopes of converting me into one of them. I was hesitant at first, but decided to cave in and give this human/vampire love story a chance. I mean, after all, something with this much craze must be brilliant, right?

Well, after reading book 1, it not only reconfirmed that there will always be trash that will be praised no matter how unsubstantial it is, but I realized that I wasn’t like the Twilight fatties at all; I actually preferred to eat fluff rather than read it! I kept turning each page waiting to feast on some depth, but by the time I forcefully turned to the last page, I found myself still hungry, but reluctant for seconds.

I was disappointed in myself for not loving this book and knew that in result, my friends would probably disown me. But luckily, there was still a chance – the movie had a lot of buzz, which gave me some anticipation and a little bit of extra time to savor the memory of what it’s like to actually have friends. Despite the shitty trailers and questionable casting, I was PUMPED! I mean, after all, something with this much craze must be brilliant, right? RIGHT?!

Wrong. Oh, so, so, so very wrong…

November 22, 2008 @ 4:56PM

It is actually taking me all day to write this damn Twilight movie review. I originally got distracted by Newsies, which was playing on Showtime (I forgot just how good Christian Bale was in this movie), but then when I mustered enough energy to turn the TV off to begin my writing, I didn’t even know where to start. Usually when I am heated about something, the words spill out in one sitting, but this time I was experiencing something beyond writer’s block… This time, it was second-hand embarrassment.

I began to pity everyone involved with the production of the movie, including the lovely people who catered on the set and the poor PA’s who took the gig thinking this would be their ticket to Hollywood. I especially began feeling awful for the tens upon thousands of fans who gathered in the freezing cold Thursday night – dressed to the nines with their “Team Edward Cullen” get-up – in order to get prime seating at the midnight showing, because they had absolutely no idea that their beloved Twilight was turned into a glorified after school special.

Hold that thought; I have to go out for dinner. BBL.

November 22, 2008 @ 10:05PM

While sitting at Applebee’s and munching on my mozzarella sticks (they were quite delish, thanks for asking), the thought of writing this review kept lingering in the back of my mind and I knew I just had to get it over with in one sitting when I got home… So without any further distractions, here it is:

The Acting
Kristen Stewart looked like she was about to either fall asleep in every scene or have an asthma attack with the heavy breathing she kept doing. Her portrayal of Bella lacked the awkwardness and sense of humor that I actually kind of liked about her in the book, and the delivery of the very few jokes she did have was monotone, to say the least. It was like watching a poor imitation of MTV’s Daria.

Robert Pattinson hurried through many lines (like the cafeteria scene by the salad bar) and delivered the rest like a stoned James Dean. The charming Edward Cullen from the book was not present at all in the movie. The only thing Pattinson delivered with was his devilishly cute grin… oh, and his overall hotness. I guess all of the females on the set were too busy swooning to pay attention to how stiff his performance was (that’s what she said). In other words, he did not dazzle me as much as I thought he would.

The acting was wooden and unemotional. I felt little to no chemistry between the two actors. It was as if they were just reciting their lines so they could get paid and move on to an indie flick to gain some street cred.

The Script
Screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg combined many scenes and even added new ones to the mix, but she forgot the most essential piece of the story: THE POINT! Even though there is very little character development in the book, I slightly understood why Bella and Edward were so enamored by one another, however in the movie, the die-hard love was so sudden that it was tough to understand where the worship came from and WHY Bella HAD to stay with Edward. Rossenberg clearly wrote this script with only the people who read the book in mind, which is a big no-no for theatrical releases. But hey, this woman also wrote several episodes of The O.C., so I shouldn’t have expected a Gone With The Wind from her.

Also, can I just add that if one of Bella’s reasoning’s for Edwards’ vampire-esque behavior is because he talks like he’s from another time, then why exactly would you have Edward reference GOOGLE in an earlier scene? Not every vampire can be as timely as Count Dracula!

The Direction
Catherine Hardwicke is a nutjob. She needs to realize that not every movie is going to look cool with a shaky camera and extreme close-ups. Almost every scene consisted of a moment of silence while the camera zoomed slowly on the characters’ faces, which was meant to imply their desire for each other, but instead looked more like the beginning of a sex scene in a porno (sans the “bow chicka bow wow” music, although the music playing during those scenes wasn’t any better).

Hardwicke also took it upon herself to create the most heinous flashback scenes I have ever seen. They were sepia-colored, skewed and just really cheesy attempts at trying to be serious business. It was all so corny and ridiculous that I missed the dialogue because I couldn’t stop laughing. She also inserted several montages that were neither here nor there. My favorite ‘flashback’ was probably the one that consisted of Bella and a guyliner-wearing Edward dressed in Victorian outfits while staring seductively into space. This was shown while Bella was researching vampires online. Was it supposed to be Bella’s imagination or just a random montage thrown in for dramatic affect? Even if it was either of the two, it still failed to be necessary. If you’re going to have a flashback of Bella and Edward in a specific era while Bella is reading about all of the various worldly Vampire myths, why not flash through several periods of time rather than focus on the one that is the most cliché? Uh-huh, Hardwicke, think about that while you cackle all the way to the bank.

The Other Stuff That Really Bugged Me
-I don’t care how great of an actress Nikki Reed is, she should not have been Rosalie. There was no way you could successfully turn a chick with very dark features into a pale blonde bombshell. With the caked-on powder, Reed looked more like one of the Wayans brothers in White Chicks than the most beautiful girl in the world. (Don’t even get me started on how ridiculous Jasper looked and acted.)

-I’m all about diversity, but when you have a token Asian and African-American in a movie that is supposed to take place in a bumblefuck town with a population of 3,000, it’s really hard for me to see the difference between Forks and Phoenix, where Bella is originally from. I also spotted a goth playing a waitress in the movie! Hey Forks, New York City called, they want their residents back.

-Now, Bella is supposed to be a very dry-humored character whose jokes often got brushed to the side and misunderstood by her fellow classmates, but Justin Chon, who played Eric and the token Asian, stole her thunder! He was obnoxiously funny, but boy was he quite the comic relief! I was waiting for him to look into the camera and tell us that the he’ll be here all week and to try the veal.

I will end my blotchy review with one last peeve: the Score. It reminded me of the generic and dramatic guitar-induced music that you’d often hear on shows like Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place. And this brings me to my final thought…

Twilight felt like a made-for-basic-cable-TV movie. The entire vibe was cheesy, wooden and insignificant. After watching the movie, I now have a newfound appreciation for the actual book (but don’t get your panties all twisted, I still am not a fan). It’s a shame this movie was made by a predominantly female crew, because these broads give aspiring filmmakers like myself a bad rep.

November 22, 2008 @ 10:49PM

…and there go most of my friends.

Don’t be Tardy to the Housewife Party

I am ashamed that I am about to post ANOTHER entry regarding “the Real Housewives of Atlanta” but since last time I have had a change of heart. I can’t allow people to associate me with some of the things I wrote (because you are always thinking of my opinions on Bravo shows) so I thought, with the season ending, now would be a good time to revisit and retract some things.

Am I still Team Nene? You betcha. Nene had my heart from day one. Nene kept it real. Sure she talked shit on people, especially when drinking, but she didn’t make excuses and she didn’t back down. Was she trying to launch a ridiculous singing career? No. Was she pretending to be a fashion designer? No. She was just chillin, being Nene. And you know what? It works for her. (A bra might also work for her, but that’s a different story.)

Nene has her faults of course. When she was trying to be supportive of Kim’s music, she sang that “Tardy to the Party” song way too much. She could be a tad embarrassing when drunk, as we all saw by the look that was all over her husband, Gregg’s, face. And while Nene’s charity, Twisted Hearts, was a great charity, the big hat idea left her looking not too far off from Dumb Donald from “Fat Albert.”

Am I still Team Kim? Oh haillllll no. I knew from day one that Kim had a weave on her head and Botox in her face but I thought her lies were all physical. I didn’t realize that “Big Poppa” aka her main man, was a married man. I also didn’t realize that she was going around saying she was 29. If she’s 29 then I’m five. There is no way that woman is younger than 35. You know what, I’m feeling generous; I’ll even give her 30. But in your twenties? YOU WISH.

Moving on to Kim’s singing career… where to begin… where to begin? Oh, let’s start with YOU CAN’T SING. Why is it that rich people NEED to just put out an album just because they have money burning a hole in their pocket? Attention Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Montag and Kim from the Real Housewives of Atlanta: YOU CAN’T SING. You need to be able to sing to launch a singing career! Dallas Austin and Scott Storch can only do so much. I will say though a highlight of this season was when the singing coach said to Kim, “you don’t really know what you’re doing.” Thank you!

Kim likes to say how beautiful she and Sheree are. She even goes so far in one episode to call her beauty a burden. After that quote, I sort of understood what Kim meant because her existence had become quite the burden on me.

Luckily for all of us, Nene has a fine replacement for Kim. His name is Dwight and he has the most beautiful feet ever (and they are NOT a burden to him.) He also will reveal the secret to his radiance, unlike Kim whose secret is so obviously a weave and Restalin, which is to have sex 3 times a day. Beauty isn’t a burden for Dwight but back problems may be.

Will there be a second season? I’m not certain. But Bravo will deliver us an explosive reunion episode where even “Chinese-Black” Lisa will chime in and threaten to “flip Kim over the table.” *Hope Hope.* And of course we have Kim’s album to look forward to. Oh except for the fact that Dallas Austin’s blog says he is in NO WAY producing it. Hmmm… where can I download that “Tardy in the Party” joint to hold me over?

Words of Wisdom Wednesday: Untruthful Friends

It has been awhile since any of the contributing snarks have graced this blog with their presence, but I will break this silent treatment once and for all (or at least until I run out of things to write about)…

During my last entry – nearly a hundred years ago, it seems – I promised a High School Musical 3 review. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I followed through with my promise on a promptly matter. And even more so, I can’t say that I actually come bearing a HSM3 review right now… What I can say is, it was campy, ridiculous, dramatic and lacked the following: acting skills, Sharpay, a shirtless Zac Efron, a consistent time-line, sense of time and proximity and catchy songs. What it didn’t lack: Shimmy dance moves courtesy of Zac Efron, unnecessary characters, Vanessa Hudgens’ shitty acting, homo-erotic innuendos and a whole lot of LOL-worthy moments.

Anyway, today I feel compelled to briefly rant about something very very important… No, this will not be about Pop 8 or President elect Obama, but about something a lot more crucial: FRIENDS WHO DO NOT TELL OTHER FRIENDS THE MOTHAFUCKIN’ TRUTH ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCES!

Let me elaborate. Let’s say, hypothetically, you’re about to go for your long overdue haircut and you’re thinking about getting a very different cut than what you normally get. Let’s say, hypothetically, you want to get a funky bob cut (and you’re a girl with ass-length gorgeous wavy hair). That’s a HUGE change, am I right? Now, let’s say you send out a mass e-mail to all of your dear friends with pictures of several celebrities who are sporting the same haircut that you want. You tell these friends “PLEASE REPLY BACK IF YOU THINK THIS WILL LOOK GOOD ON ME!” Only 3 of these so-called “friends” reply back and out of the 3, 2 tell you to “OMG GO FOR IT! YOU’LL LOOK SO GOOD!” and the other friend (let’s call this friend the best friend you’ll ever have) tells you to not get the cut because it will not only accentuate your already round face, but it will make you look like a fool, because you have such puffy hair. You opt to listen to the two jackass friends who are either blind, have no sense of style or just don’t want to hurt your feelings.

So, you get the haircut and of course, just like the best friend you’ll ever have predicted, you look like a fucking fool.

You feel too crunchy to admit that you look awful, so you start posting pictures of your new haircut on all of the social networking sites you’re a member of in attempt to get your sugarcoated friends to comment on them with jargon like, “OMG YOU LOOK SO AMAZING! THAT HAIRCUT LOOKS SO HOT ON YOU!” And you succeed. Lots of shmucks reply praising your haircut as if it was like the second coming of Christ. You know you look like crap, but this does not stop you from soaking in all of the phony compliments. However, the best friend you’ll ever have, on the other hand, is looked down upon for being a jerk for not loving your haircut from the get go.

My point is, if you consider yourself a true friend, you will tell your friends the damn truth; enough beating around the bush and worrying about hurt feelings. You guys are good friends, feelings will not get hurt, they will only be taken into consideration.

Even if you or your friends will only take the advice with a grain of salt, at least the advice was honest.

Words of Wisdom: While friends don’t let friends drink and drive, they also shouldn’t let friends get shitty haircuts (or unflattering outfits)!